So Much Less Than Awesome

Today I turned 40.

How can I put this politely?  Holy F*****G CRAP!  I’m as old as F*****G S**T!

Those asteroids(*) (or whatever they’re called) are for my mom.  She doesn’t like swear words, and even though I’m 40, I still think about those things.  I rarely drink in front of my parents either.  Occasionally my mom will have a margarita, and If mom’s drinking, it’s GAME ON.  One time my entire family was out to dinner, and I ordered a large margarita, and it came in a glass roughly the size of one of those orange Home Depot buckets, and everybody got busy making plans for how to help me finish it.  I played along and pretended I needed help, but secretly was pissed that I had to share.  Don’t get the wrong idea about me though, I’m not really a big drinker…I think 5’10” is about average for an adult male.

40 is a weird age.  I don’t trust teenagers, but I still think adults are out to get me.  I think young people who think they know everything are hilariously annoying, but most of the grownups I know don’t know shit either, so who’s worse, the misguided youth, or the smug adult?  I think picking the better of those two is actually like trying to decide between barfing through your nose, or just swallowing it.

My kids still like me, but each year that passes I see them getting cooler, as I keep getting less, and less cool. I’m not going to hold that against them though…yet.  I can foresee the day when the cool scales completely shift, and instead of going out gracefully, I’ll probably do something stupid, like pretend it was intentional.  I’ll most likely be found walking around the house in tightey whiteys scratching my butt while my son’s girlfriend stands horrified by the front door, not sure whether to acknowledge my presence, or secretly slip out never to return.  I can’t think of much more pathetic than a dude in his late 40s trying to act un-cool in a last-ditch effort to hang onto what little is left of his cool.  My poor family.

As I sat down to write this, I intended it to be a half-time speech of sorts.  Something to pump me up, and get me ready to kick some serious ass in the last two quarters.  The game is tied,  I’m rested, I’m hydrated, and I’m ready to go.   ****BUZZZZZZER**** (sounding the start of the second half).  Go Tom Go!

“…uh, yeah, could I get a time out?”

Thing2 found my 33 year old T-Ball Jersey, and has worked it in to heavy rotation.

If only that shirt could talk.  I batted .1000 that year, so the groupies were abundant, and grape kool-aide flowed like water.  Irvine Youth Athletic Association represent!

Hi Everybody!

My next shirt on TeeFury goes on sale on Sunday at 12:00 AM.  I don’t think this one will sell as many as the last one, but I like this one better.

So, go buy some.

I figure if each person buys about 25,000 shirts apiece, then by my calculations, that would be awesome…squared.

Christmas is coming, and if you have kids, and you’re a bastard like me, you probably find it difficult not to hang it over their heads.  I try not to do it, because it feels so wrong, but I can admit that I have used the prospect of not being invited to Jesus’ birthday party as a tool in order to get my slaves children to do my bidding.

Santa Christ’s real gift was giving parents a month when they can blackmail their children.  Normally they will ignore my first and second requests for doing a chore, but jump at the third when it’s prefaced with the phrase, “You know, Christmas is coming…”.  The power of Christ compels them.

You know what’s another great gift from the heavens?  The fact that as the dogs we love get older and older, they begin to suck more and more (so we’ll miss them less when they finally go live on a farm).

I love our 13.5 year old Greyhound Daisy to death.  She’s super sweet, but she’s also starting to super suck.  She’s  lost her hearing, so she doesn’t listen, and since she’s Jewish, threats about Christmas don’t work on her.  She’s on peepee medicine to keep her from squirting urine when she sits, or walks, or stands, or lays down, or eats, or drinks, or looks, or breathes…you get the idea, she’s like a water balloon with a slow leak.  She also apparently hates the cold, because instead of using the brand new doggie doors, she thinks it’s better to shit up the garage.  She’s also started getting confused, and standing around in weird places, sometimes outside where it’s cold, and after an hour of that,  she’ll come inside, and pee in the garage.  Thanks Daisy.
I have started laying “peepee pads” on the floor in the garage for her to defile, and I think she likes that, but she kept missing them, so now I have basically installed wall to wall peepee pad carpeting in my new garage.  Nice.

Dear Santa,

Thirteen and a half  is a pretty good run right?  Don’t make me spell it out.

Love,

tom

Karen Schmidt of  Send me your head fame painted my head.  So, that’s awesome.

My parents (Mimi and Papa) and Sophie (their dog) came up for a visit this weekend, and it was great to see them.  The boys really enjoy all 4 of their grandparents.

We had lacrosse tryouts on Sunday morning from 8:45 to 10:00 for Thing2 (The team I’m coaching), and then 10:00 to 12:00 for Thing1.  It was cold, and very wet as it rained most of the time.  The boys look good, and are excited for the upcoming season.  Thing2’s last football game was called for rain on Sunday, so that gave us a little less to do.

Tonight will be our last night in our little house on Riverview.  We moved here almost 11 years ago to the day, just a few months before Thing 1 was born.  Neither Deniece or I have ever lived in any one place as long as we’ve lived here, and this is the only place the boys have ever lived.  This is a big deal for our little family.

We started at this little house as young married couple,  and will be leaving as an incredibly close knit family of four.  While I never really cared for this town, our house I always loved, and it will always hold a very special place in my heart as the birth place of The L-Force (our family’s super hero code name).

The only thing we leave behind is our little dog Belle, buried in the back yard.  All of our memories are coming with us.

Dear Riverview,

It’s not you, it’s us…we promise.
It was great while it lasted, but we all knew it couldn’t last forever.  It’s time for us to move on.  Thank you  for keeping us warm and dry.  Sorry about leaving all those screws under the rain gutters, but you have to admit, that made putting up Christmas lights each year really easy.  We will probably be stalking you for years, driving by slowly, and seeing how you’ve changed, and if you ever go up for sale again, we’ll be sure to come to the open house, although, we may wear a disguise so as to avoid an awkward scene.

Thanks for the memories,

The Ledin Family.

Here’s some stupid for you:

I just read an article with the headline:
Man, woman, 2 youths dead in apparent shooting in North Carolina

The  article then gives a description of the discovery of the bodies, and then mentions a press release given by the police that says:

” At this time, there is no reason to suspect foul play; however, the investigation remains in its early stages,”

Wait…what?!  I think Barney Fife may have gotten a little mixed up again.  Now, I’m no expert, but I think 4 dead in an accidental shooting seems a little fishy.  I’m willing to bet there may have been some foul play involved.

I’m not sure how long the article will be available, but here’s the link anyway:
http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/11/03/north.carolina.deaths/index.html?eref=igoogle_cnn

Everybody should go to:
http://teefury.com
and buy the “Shirt of the Day” (Do it today though, because it’s mine)

I was asked if I wanted to have it printed on a shirt, and earn 1 dollar per shirt.  I was thinking, ‘Cool, I’ll get like 40 bucks!’

Well, it’s been up for 13 hours, and they have sold 868!  Everytime I refrsh the page, there’s like 10 more.  So Stoked.

Anyway, go buy one.

UPDATE:
After 24 hours, 1698 were sold.

If you’ve found your way here looking for one, the TeeFury ones are long gone, but I posted it up over at redbubble.com, and while you won’t get the sweet teefury.com price, you can still have the shirt.

So, go buy a few!
http://www.redbubble.com/people/tioem/t-shirts/4051703-1-trap

You know what bugs me?  When people say, “that’s the worst”, or, “He’s the worst”, or, “they’re the worst”, when whatever they’re talking about is clearly not the worst.  I  admit that I too am guilty of it, but that doesn’t make it any less stupid.

I just heard this conversation:
“Oooh!  I got a paper cut!”
“Oh I hate that.  They’re the worst!”

Really?  The worst?  The worst thing that can ever happen to anybody?  I’m guessing no.  Or, maybe it’s the worst fate that can befall a finger.  No, I could think of a million worse things.  Perhaps it’s the worst injury that paper can cause to a finger.  Even that I think it a stretch.

I’m going to start calling people on it.  When I hear something like, “Damnit, I stepped in dog shit!  That’s the worst!”, I will reply with, “Actually, I believe that could have been a lot worse.  For example, you could have been attacked an eaten by that dog yesterday, and that poo you just Play-Doh Fun Factory’d through your toes  could be you all digested and pooey…and while technically worse, I still doubt even that is the worst.
We should all stop saying stupid things.