So Much Less Than Awesome

I can’t stand tucking in my shirt.  I mean I really loathe it.  Even though totally ridiculous, tucking your pants into your socks actually makes more sense.  If you’re freezing to death right before you go to bed, you can tuck your jammies into your socks, and your freezing cold bed won’t kill you with blunt-force hypothermia.  You can also tuck your pants into your socks to prevent a bicycle chain from eating you alive when you’re out cruising for chicks on your Schwinn.  Tucking in a shirt doesn’t even make an attempt to save your life…what an asshole.

I normally don’t tuck my shirt in at work.  I sit all day, and when I stand up, it’s always half un-tucked, and I look like I just regained consciousness under a barstool at 10:30 AM.  Granted, un-tucked may give me the untidy appearance old farts notice, and dwell on, but it’s so much more functional.  Ever since I gave up trying to impress the ladies with my threads (I hooked one, and got married…BURN!), I have gone for function over fashion religiously.  What’s more efficient?  Spending and extra two minutes during one of my 49 bathroom trips a day tucking in, or not tucking in, and saving  an hour and 38 minutes a day (I checked the math).  I also shaved off quite a bit of time by not washing my hands, wiping, or flushing.  Sometimes I don’t even pull my pants up*.  I’m about as efficient as they come.

* I promise, I wash my hands ALL THE TIME.  I didn’t even like writing that.  Oh yeah, I wipe all the time too, and I flush, and I pull up my pants (when I have to).

In high school I was a dirty skateboarder.  Most of the time I wore clothes that could withstand the daily abuse that comes with falling to the ground…at speed…many times a day.  I was dating a girl who once who complained that I didn’t dress nice enough.  So, the very next day, I wore a  brand new T-Shirt, and I tucked it into my ‘nice’ jeans.  I looked like a twat, and felt like a goon, and my girlfriend wasn’t even impressed.  My friends all laughed at me, and I couldn’t blame them.  There was a new kid at school that day who would eventually become a very good friend.  He told me years later that he was relieved to see a group of skaters, and thought making friends maybe wouldn’t be so hard that first day.  Then he saw one guy in the group who had a bright red t-shirt tucked into his too –tight jeans, and then he wasn’t so sure if that was the right group of people for him.  Sorry if I made your first day confusing Brent.

So yeah, I have my shirt tucked in today.  Not sure why, but this is the first time I have tucked my shirt in at work in 10 years or so.  I hate it so much, but it’s at least making the day interesting.  Tomorrow, I may try some broken glass in my shoes.