So Much Less Than Awesome

Today I turned 40.

How can I put this politely?  Holy F*****G CRAP!  I’m as old as F*****G S**T!

Those asteroids(*) (or whatever they’re called) are for my mom.  She doesn’t like swear words, and even though I’m 40, I still think about those things.  I rarely drink in front of my parents either.  Occasionally my mom will have a margarita, and If mom’s drinking, it’s GAME ON.  One time my entire family was out to dinner, and I ordered a large margarita, and it came in a glass roughly the size of one of those orange Home Depot buckets, and everybody got busy making plans for how to help me finish it.  I played along and pretended I needed help, but secretly was pissed that I had to share.  Don’t get the wrong idea about me though, I’m not really a big drinker…I think 5’10” is about average for an adult male.

40 is a weird age.  I don’t trust teenagers, but I still think adults are out to get me.  I think young people who think they know everything are hilariously annoying, but most of the grownups I know don’t know shit either, so who’s worse, the misguided youth, or the smug adult?  I think picking the better of those two is actually like trying to decide between barfing through your nose, or just swallowing it.

My kids still like me, but each year that passes I see them getting cooler, as I keep getting less, and less cool. I’m not going to hold that against them though…yet.  I can foresee the day when the cool scales completely shift, and instead of going out gracefully, I’ll probably do something stupid, like pretend it was intentional.  I’ll most likely be found walking around the house in tightey whiteys scratching my butt while my son’s girlfriend stands horrified by the front door, not sure whether to acknowledge my presence, or secretly slip out never to return.  I can’t think of much more pathetic than a dude in his late 40s trying to act un-cool in a last-ditch effort to hang onto what little is left of his cool.  My poor family.

As I sat down to write this, I intended it to be a half-time speech of sorts.  Something to pump me up, and get me ready to kick some serious ass in the last two quarters.  The game is tied,  I’m rested, I’m hydrated, and I’m ready to go.   ****BUZZZZZZER**** (sounding the start of the second half).  Go Tom Go!

“…uh, yeah, could I get a time out?”