If you are here to read old stupid stuff I have said, scroll down and read away! ....then consider getting a hobby!

Archive # 7
July 8th -  August 24th 2004

8/24/04
I have a new found respect for the Olympic games.  Yes, that's right, I caught my first Women's Beach Volleyball match on TV last night.  AWESOME!  It was USA vs. USA...I still haven't figured that one out, but anyway, here's a rundown of what you'll see if you tune into Women's Beach Volleyball

Four women in excellent physical condition who:
    a) wear almost nothing
    b) are very tan
    c  experience an inordinate amount of crack-creep
       from their tiny outfits.
    c) are often seen pulling their tiny bikini
       bottoms out of their butt cracks.
    d) congratulate each other with a swift spank on
       the ass, or a extended hug

Like I said, awesome.

These half-naked women fling themselves all over the place diving for balls.....(comedic pause).. and they are truly amazing athletes.  If you've ever played volleyball, you know how difficult it is.  Now imagine doing it with a full-on wedgie....in front of millions of people. 

While I did appreciate the athleticism of these women, I found myself trying to ignore that I was watching the Olympics in Athens, and, in my mind I placed the scene I was seeing on a island just east of Greece called Lesbos, where young Lesbosians ;-) frolicked on the sandy shores.  With so much heiny slapping, skimpy outfits, and joyous hugging, how could I not imagine I was sneaking a peak into Sappho's secret volleyball school for girls.***obscure reference***

I don't mean to take away from how awesome these ladies play volleyball, but the scene made me wonder, 'How far away are we from Women's Olympic Mud Wrestling?  Ok, it probably won't go that far, but when you see their outfits, I'm sure you'll agree that in 4 to 8 years, we'll be seeing Olympic women volleyball players wearing g-strings, and nipple tassels...tastefully dyed in their country's colors of course.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find out when volleyball is going to be on again.


**obscure reference***
Circa 630 B.C. Sappho was married to a rich man, but she preferred the company of women.  She spent most of her time on the Isle of Lesbos, where she wrote poetry, and ran a school for girls.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

8/23/04
So apparently a chicken supplier for Kentucky Fried Chicken has come under fire for video showing the abuse of chickens…. Huh? I'm pretty sure these are the same chickens that get their throats slit, feathers yanked out, washed in scalding water, sliced, diced, frozen, and shipped to KFC where their remains are put to rest in some fat guy's belly after a quick dip in a pool of boiling oil.

Sure, abuse sucks, but c'mon! Think about it! These are the same chickens you eat! They have to DIE for you to eat them. I might be wrong, but wouldn't dying be the bad part? Personally I would rather be kicked, and thrown against a wall, than have my head chopped off, and be eaten by some Orson Wells look alike? Maybe this so called 'abuse' is actually giving a select few chickens the chance to escape.

Let's say Buford the chickn' killin' guy shows up for work pissed cuz his ol' lady wouldn't make him a baloney and ketchup breakfast burrito that morning, so he takes his aggression out on a few chickens. His plan is to, "pick up m'few chikuns, and throw 'em 'gainst the wall". For fun, let's say that Buford's whiskey bender from the night before had not yet made the transition from drunk to hangover, thus putting his aim a little off, so instead of hitting the wall, he throws a chicken right out the window…that's freedom baby!

I am a vegetarian…actually, I can't really say that anymore, because I started eating fish…so, let's just say, I have not eaten any meat beside fish in almost 6 years, but, I am not an animal rights guy. I do however find the hypocrisy of the individuals who actually eat meat, but are outraged by the abuse of animals to be completely hilarious.

So, be proud and eat your chickens, but don't try and fake yourself into thinking they would have had a great life if it weren't for Buford. Sure, Buford is an asshole, but he gave those chickens a few minutes of living in an otherwise short, and pointless life.

By the way, I hate preachy vegetarians, in fact, if given the chance, I'd probably eat one if it were on the menu.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

8/19/04
This is the GREATEST Print ad EVER!
Funny on so many levels.


Note: Even I would go on a gay cruise if they could promise me there'd be puppets.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

8/18/04
I stumbled onto the below image yesterday, and it is without a doubt the oddest, most frightening print ad I've ever seen.  Click it to see a big version, and please pay close attention to all the horrifying details.


Here's what this ad says to me:

"Buy more war bonds...or evil Nazi wooden robots will pull dripping organs from your child's nether regions while he screams in terror."

Gentler, more peaceful time my ass!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

8/16/04
I skated with Dickson at Berkeley this weekend.  For the first hour or so, we had the park to ourselves...it was very romantic.

I feel somewhat guilty by admitting this, but…..the Olympics bore me to tears. I wish I was into it, as it seems like I should be, but I just don't give a damn.

Every 4 years it's an amazing story about some strangely proportioned athlete who has spent their lives preparing for this very minute, and they always seem to fail…what a waste of time!

"Bill, it's a real Cinderella story. Sven Johansen of Norway has been practicing his technique since he was 2 years old. He has been stricken with the flu every year for the past decade, but has somehow persevered. Fans the world over have fallen in love with this gentle sportsman, and his story invokes in us the true spirit of these Olympic games. His story has become our story, his dream has become our dream. Will Sven Johansen be able to put his yearly battle with influenza behind him, and achieve his life-long dream of a gold medal in Badminton….only time will tell. Men's Badminton next! Back to you Bill."

Sure, some of the stories are touching, but c'mon, every 4 years? I used to think 4 years was too long of an interval between the games (I don't know why I thought that, I didn’t care about the Olympics then either), but now I think it should be like every 10 years or so. Why you ask? Well, I'd like to see these sports develop a bit more. Every 4 years it's the same old crap. The gymnasts do the same tricks. Why can't they invent some new stuff? I'd like to see them do a 900 or something. If Tony Hawk can do one on a half pipe, I'm sure Nadialova Von-Pavlovavichsky could pull one on the uneven bars if she'd just try it a few hundred times.

I'd also like to see more strokes introduced into Olympic swimming. Doggie paddle is pretty played out, but what about tying the hands and feet together so they have to swim in the same position that they are in when on the starting block. Or maybe they could blind fold all the athletes in ALL competitions. Imagine that! I'd watch every minute!!!! Track would be hilarious, especially the javelin, and hurdles, and I'm sure the world would tune into the archery competition for the first time ever.

On a related note, did you know that Table Tennis is an Olympic event? Trampoline too! If you won a medal in Table Tennis (ping pong) would you even bother displaying it?
"Hey, wow, is that an Olympic medal on your shelf?!"
"Uh, no, that's nothing…it uh, came with a pair of shoes."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

8/13/04
In terms of urination, there are three types of men who use the bathroom at my work:

1) Aims pee directly into the water of the urinal (lot's of noise) We'll call him, "Mr. Proud to Pee"™

2) Aims pee above water, onto the porcelain (Stealth mode, ultra-quiet), we'll call him, "The Piss Ninja"™

3) Only pees in a stall. We'll simply call him, "The Man With Issues", that I care not to delve into.

I am currently in the process of re-evaluating my position as a 'The Piss Ninja'™, and kicking around the idea of becoming a 'Mr. Proud to Pee'™. I have tried aiming into the water a few times, and I must say the loud splashing not only sounds a lot more masculine than the delicate, almost inaudible tinkle sound of The Piss Ninja™, but it also seems to somehow enhance the  feeling of relief during the act.

If you are a 'The Man With Issues', I would appreciate an email with your explanation of why you can only pee in the stalls. I feel that I, and all other normal pissers deserve that much. Why you ask? Because you piss on the seat you freak! In a bathroom with urinals, TOILETS ARE FOR CRAPPING!  Viva La Urinal!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

8/11/04
Vending machines suck these days. Sure, they're far more reliable than in the past, but really, that's what sucks about them. In the past dropping a few coins in a rickety old vending machine was a thrilling gamble. Sometimes the machine would steal your money by pretending that it didn't notice that you put any in. Other times your coins would simply shoot through the machine in a form of vending machine diarrhea, depositing the money in the 'return coin' slot, leaving you with snack tease blue balls.

However, what I miss most about old vending machines is the occasional malfunction in the mechanism that doles out the goodies. Sometimes you got one, sometimes you got none, but sometimes you got TWO, maybe even THREE! What a wonderful way to make getting fat even more fun!

Nowadays I watch in vain as the 'goodie giving retracting corkscrew' turns.  I pray for something abnormal to happen, but it never does.  Sure I'd be bummed out if my Doritos got snagged and I ended up with nothing, but what if the opposite happened, and I got TWO bags?!....What if indeed.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

8/9/04
We went to New Hampshire for a week on vacation. I love that state. I think I could live there. Lot's of family fun, boating, skateboarding, swimming, and general merriment.

On a side note, I saw John Kerry talking about the state of the economy, and he was blaming Bush for the loss of jobs that have been sent overseas. Do people actually believe this guy (these guys)? Please, if you are a republican, or democrat, do not take what your self-serving asshole of a candidate says at face value. Do some research of your own. Is it Bush's fault that the Heinz corporation (Kerry's wife's family company) has been sending THOUSANDS of jobs overseas for the past few decades? Did you know that Heinz makes the majority of it's profits outside of the US...how is that Bush's fault?

Politicians want what you want; I can admit that I don't want what's best for the people, I want what's best for me, and so do they. Government over-spending, and the ever-growing government is the real bad guy, not republican, not democrat.  The two parties we have are exactly the same.  They may pander to different groups, but believe me, they do not care about your issues, whatever they may be. 

I love my country,
I can accept my government,
I tolerate my fellow citizens,
but I loathe my politicians.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

7/26/04
So this weekend I:
Skated with Shawn
Went to a bachelor party at my in-law's house
Took my 5 year old to see Spiderman2

Shawn and I met at the Sunnyvale Skate park early on Saturday. That place is so fun. Shawn and I were the only guys with pads on except for this one older roller blader who was really fun(ny) to watch. We both worked on the same speed carve line in the big bowl. Speed in big flow bowls is SO fun. I ordered some ceramic bearings, and Shawn is getting new wheels, and bearings, so we'll be able to go even faster.

Andrew, a good friend of my Bother-in-law August had his bachelor party on Saturday. Good times. The female entertainer had a really good juggling act, and a whole slew of card tricks. Sweet girl, I think her name was Gertrude. We all agreed to try and get her on one of those extreme-makeover shows, because if she had some looks to go along with her juggling/magic act, she could achieve her dream of opening for Carrot Top in Reno some day. We all have to have dreams. Zack got some great photos of the Groom to be. (Zack, if you send them to me, I'll post them here…the world should see them.)

At on point Gertrude turned her attention to me, and asked, "Do you skate?", "Yeah!" I said, probably a little too excitedly, (I had some vans on, I guess maybe that gave it away). She then followed up with, "…yeah, my little brother skates too". Ouch. She couldn't have said something like, 'Skating is the most macho of all "extreme" sports'? All the other guys (all between 5-10 years younger than me) got cool questions like, "Do you work out?", or "You wanna learn how to juggle". Screw her, my wife thinks skating is cool…... when her little boys do it.

Thing 1 loved Spiderman2. We covered his eyes one time during the emergency room Dr. Octopus massacre (we saw the movie last week, so we knew when it was coming). Every time MaryJane Watson, and Peter Parker kissed, Thing 1 groaned really loudly, and one time even asked, "Why do they open their mouths?". That's a tough question to answer, so I did what any good father would do, and giggled for a moment, and then ignored the question altogether by saying, "Watch the movie!".

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

7/20/04
Apparently actress turned activist Minnie Driver is going to work in a Cambodian sweatshop to expose the terrible working conditions.

Hmmmm, is an actress who gets paid millions of dollars for a couple months work going to have a valid frame of reference as to what might constitute 'terrible working conditions'? I think not.

She is accustom to catering, around the clock assistants, private trailers, and god knows what else. I think she would even deem my working conditions unbearable, and I sit in a really comfy chair most of the day.  Comfy chair aside, there is rarely caviar in the break room, and I almost never get massages...come to think of it, Minnie should be notified about my working conditions!

Claiming (as she does) that western culture is to blame for buying clothing and products produced in the 3rd world is asinine. If we stopped buying those products, those factories would shut down, and guess what happens next...YAY, NO MORE HORRIBLE WORKING CONDITIONS AND LOW PAY...just starvation, and out of control unemployment in an already economically depressed country. Way to think it through Minnie.  Of course shitty working conditions, and child labor suck, but the problem has far more layers than some semi-retarded actress could even imagine.

Besides, it's not a very Hollywood Elite thing to want to impose US law in other countries...common sense would tell me that includes labor laws....guess not.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

7/19/04
Our front yard is basically done. I have to redo the sandstone pavers section, but that's no big deal. We're going to run the sprinklers everyday, and use Round Up on any Bermuda grass that comes up, and by mid September, we should be virtually through with the evil that is Bermuda grass, and ready to plant our grass seed. Big beautiful lawn, here we come.

I skated by myself at Berkeley on Sunday morning. I really like that park, but do not really enjoy skating alone. I took The family to the Concord skate park last night, and Thing 1 and I rode tandem around the park (he standing on the board with me, feet inside, mine outside, holding hands). We were flying, and he loved every second, and I was completely stressed the whole time…had we slammed, it would have been ugly.

You know what's dumb?  Camouflage shorts in snow colors. If you wish to remain undetected by use of camo while in the snow, you should probably not be wearing shorts.

And speaking of camouflage, where's this guy planning to hide....in vomit?!


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

7/13/04
Last night I was laying in bed flipping through the channels kind of bumming out that I'm 34 years old, and I have not yet figured out how to leave my mark on the world (not that I have to leave a mark other than my sons, but I always thought I would do something that would bring me a certain level of notoriety).

So, I'm flipping through the channels, not paying attention to what's on, thinking about what I want to be when I grow up, and I pass by a channel where an older woman with long black hair, was being interviewed. I clicked back to the channel thinking, 'what's this lady done with her life'? She appeared to be sort of an aging hippe/gypsie/vagabond type. I was thinking, 'ok, let's she what she's done to leave her mark'. My guess was that she had written some kind of new agey book…..I could not have been more wrong!

As I started listening to her story, I almost could not believe what I was hearing. "…he was a big bird. I named him 'Vato'. His last fight was amazing. The other bird was vicious, and had Vato down, his entrails were hanging out, and wrapped in his little legs. Vato got up, and they continued to fight, and Vato killed the other bird, and then died right after the fight was over. He was a good bird." Interspersed with this little monologue were clips of cock fights. "After we won, my kids were so proud of me, they were like, 'That's my mom! Those are her birds!' It was a good day".

It was completely surreal. Here I was wanting to see why this lady was being interviewed, and see if maybe I could gain some inspiration from her story (why I picked her, on that channel, I don't know), and she turned out to be a cock fighter!!

She also said, "Now that we're retired, and they don't fight, I think the birds miss it". As she was stroking this big black and orange, uh, cock. They miss it?!! Didn’t they hear what happened to Vato?!!

Well, anyway, at least now I know what I want to do with my life ;-)

Note: Interestingly, this is my second post about cockfights in less than a year. I find that odd.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

7/12/04
I skated with a few pals at the Sunnyvale Park. Super fun park, but just a little too far of a drive, I wish it was closer.

We had Sal and his tio (uncle) at our house working on the front yard again this weekend. It makes me feel like a big fat lazy sloth-like creature, to have them do all the work...oh well.

I had to go to Home Depot to pick up some parts for the sprinklers, and on my way I drove down Monument Blvd. which is an area of Concord with a large Latino population. On every corner there were between 5-10 Mexican men waiting for work, in total I saw probably 200 men in about 4 blocks. At a stoplight I saw a truck pull up, the driver held out 4 fingers, and 4 workers who were sitting at the end of a curb climb in the truck, then the line of men on the curb slid down, they had a system. All the laborers I saw were wearing tucked in button down shirts. They are very serious about getting work.

I got to home depot, where there were even more Mexican men waiting for a day's work. I went in, bought my stuff, and as I was coming out, I heard a whistle. I looked, and I saw a Caucasian man loading his truck. Then I noticed 3 potential laborers sprinting to him, before they got there, he help up 1 finger, and pointed to one of the guys. The other two gave a little dejected laugh, and walked away, and the chosen one wearing a huge white smile immediately began to help load the truck.

As I drove out of the parking lot, I accidentally made eye contact with a group, and they all stood up ready to hop in my truck, and go to work. I gave them a 'no, sorry' wave, and they all sat down again. I was amazed by the hunger of these men to get work. Back breaking, sweaty, dirty, miserable work in the 97 degree heat of a Saturday. It really struck me how hard it must be to depend on some lazy weekend warrior's need for cheap labor to put food on your family's table.

A few blocks away from Home Depot, I got to an intersection where a few homeless (Caucasian) men had gathered, each making camp in a different part of the intersection, and each holding up a sign towards the passing cars asking for assistance. "I'm hungry, please help", "Homeless, please donate", and the like, but none said, "Will work for food".

I don't know about you, but the above incidents really make me wonder how the Mexican immigrant ever got stereotyped as being lazy. Did I miss something somewhere where stereotypes are actually some sort of clever sarcasm in which the opposite is really true? Can I actually dance? Is it possible that I can jump? Somebody should have told me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know they don't pay taxes, but you can't have everything.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

7/08/04
I was thinking about Robin Hood the other day...actually, a song from Shrek that was preformed by Robin Hood, and his Merry Men popped into my head, and then I started thinking about Robin Hood.

My conclusion: Robin Hood is a total communist!

In all the stories, and movies he's portrayed as a guy who helps the needy by stealing from some egomaniacal/repressive rich bad guy, but we all know his mission statement, "Steal from the rich, and give to the poor". What kind of leftist bullshit is that? Not all rich guys are evil overlords who deserve to have their money stolen.

Personally I think Robin Hood should rethink his whole outlook on the poor. Giving them money won't help them in the long run, and besides, they'll probably just spend it on a keg of mead and a harlot.

I say, if Mr. Hood cares so friggen much, he should use his own money to set up a private foundation that will help with training, education, and job placement for the poor. To continue funding this foundation, Mr. Green Tights would go door to door soliciting money in the form of donations from the rich. I'm sure the rich would rather donate a little on a yearly basis than have a bunch of jobless hungry Merry Men loitering around all day figuring out how to steal their money.

Robin Hood through his benevolence would become famous across the land as an ambassador of goodwill, and a man of the people. The common man would revere Mr. Hood with great regard for helping him learn how to support himself, and leave his life of crime behind. Robin Hood would benefit from the great following of the common man, and win his bid in the election for Sheriff of Nottingham, thus putting himself in the good graces of both Prince John, and King Richard. Robin Hood would then rise to a level of prominence once considered unthinkable for a man of his station, and with the lowest unemployment and crime rates in history, the men, women, and children of Sherwood forest would live....happily ever after.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Back to News Archive