If
you are here to read old stupid stuff I have said, scroll down and
read away!
....then consider getting a hobby!
Archive # 5
Mar 11th - May 13th 2004
5/13/04 Jeez! Enough with the serious posts already! I think I may not be right in the head for this one reason (yes, there are
other reasons, but this one just dawned on me). I get genuinely perturbed, even angry, when I walk into a public bathroom
and it smells like poo.
How dare some troglodyte make it smell where I'm about to crap....HOW DARE
THEY!!!!???
Quote of the day (yesterday):
A 350 lb. 5'7" tall person when
offered cake said: "I don't eat cake, I'm on Atkins, and have been for 3 years."
Unfortunately she wasn't joking.
Poor girl. Imagine being obese, and being a complete sucker.
About 2 years ago this person lectured my wife on why a vegetarian diet was unhealthy,
and how a high protein diet was better.
Imagine how delusional you have to be to stand in front of a totally healthy,
115 lb woman, and tell her that her diet is bad, when you are weighing in up
near a quarter of a ton, and get winded from breathing.
People are crazy.
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5/12/04
Some
militant fundamentalist Muslims sawed off the head of an American civilian in
retaliation for the naked Iraqi prisoner photos.
Yes, they were Muslims, killing infidels for Allah. I know people don't like to
admit that, but when the bad guys (head saw-er off-ers) go into lengthy
diatribes about Allah, and how killing non-believers is the right thing to do,
it's hard to ignore that they are acting on behalf of their religion.
What's funny is that the majority of apologists (people who think the US
deserves anything it gets), don't realize that if you're not Muslim, lot's of
people want you dead. Wear all the tie-dye you want, it's not going to hide
that target on your back. Hold that peace sign high, give them something to aim
at.
Preaching peace is a good thing, but when it comes down to it, you can scream
PEACE until your eyes bleed, but as you hold out that flower toward your
militant-fundamentalist-Muslim-captor as a peace offering, he will find peace
his own way, by murdering you, a non-believer. It's a holy war, being brought
to us by the fine people of "The Religion of Peace".
**Please note I use the phase -Fundamentalist Muslim- to denote those on the
fringe of Islam. I know not all Muslims want me dead, just the ones who need
Playstation2, or some other hobby.
I'm sure all the peaceniks reading this are thinking I am an,
ignorant-right-wing-Bush-loving-asshole. I see myself as a realist.
*I do not support any party or candidate, I just call it like I see it.
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5/04/04 The US media is going crazy about the photos
showing the abuse of Iraqi prisoners. Abuse? Are they kidding? Naked twister,
and homo-erotic human pyramids don't really add up to POW abuse in my book.
Stupid yes, but when I think of abuse, I think of German Concentration camps, or
the torture and enslavement of US and Filipino soldiers and civilians by the
Japanese. That's abuse. Maybe we should ask the Iraqi prisoners if they would
prefer to suffer what the American media deems abusive, or if they would rather
endure Saddam's version of abuse.
The prisoners
who were so abused, having to pose naked for stupid pictures while goofy
Americans pointed and laughed at their little penises were probably thinking,
"What the hell? Is this it? You mean they're not going to chop off my eyelids,
or electrocute my anus? Saddam could really show these fairies a thing or two!"
North
Korea, China, and most of the Middle East are laughing their collective asses
off right now. They're thinking, "If this is how the big bad evil US abuses
it's prisoners, then fuck it! What have we got to lose?"
So, do I condone what took place? No.
It was a very stupid thing to do. Do I think the American
self-loathing media runs wild with any story of American wrong doing while
ignoring the deeds of groups they pretend to
not support? Yes. (where are the photos of the charred bodies of the
executed reporters that were displayed hanging
from bridges in Iraq? The rest of the world saw
them, why not us? Where are the photos of the Israeli mother and her 4
daughters who were executed by Palestinians last week?) No, we prefer the naked
Iraqi frat party pictures. How odd.
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4/28/04 I have drankened over 80 ounces
of water thus far today, and I have pee'd at the very least three times that
amount. I think I broke my guts.
In writing the above I struggled with what word to use for the past tense of
'drink' as I always have.
Drank?
Drunk?
Drinked?
Drunked?
Drinkined?
Drunkened?
As I usually do when confused by
words, I quickly visited dictionary.com, and here's what I found out.
Drank = Past tense of 'drink'
Drunk = Past participle of 'drink'
Past participle? I think I had a dentist appointment that day of school.
I HATE being made aware of my level of stupidity. To Do List:
Contemplate why I can't tickle
myself
Name my toes
Fill out Special Olympics entry form
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4/27/04 It's going to be 90 degrees today where I live,
and I am sick (a chest cold that started over a week ago, sort of went away
Friday, and came back Sunday).
There is something altogether unholy about
being sick when it's warm.
There is evil afoot. Today at a stop light, I pulled up next to an
older model BMW 3 series. The driver was a woman approximately 50 years of
age. She looked short, (her seat was pulled pretty far forward). *Here's the
fun part* She had most of her ample belly resting on her steering wheel, with a
large portion of it actually going through the spokes of the wheel to the other
side!
There was so much belly touching the
wheel, that there is no way her hands were doing the driving.
She caught me looking at her, and I tried to play it off by doing the 'slow
heard turn' like I wasn't looking at her enormous magic driving belly, but was
really just scanning the horizon looking for foul play. I don't think she
bought it.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 4/26/04 Ok, so the NFL draft happened this
weekend. The 1st pick was Eli Manning to the Chargers, but (in a little cry
baby voice) he doesn't want to play for a bad team. What a prima donna! He should be proud
and honored to have been be drafted...especially at #1. I HATE that a player
can control the draft. HATE IT! If you want to try and pick the team you play
for, be a free agent! If I were a stunning prospect like
Manning is, I would love to go to San Diego, and try my ass off to turn that
team around. Just because Daddy, Archie Manning was never able to amount to
much, and never able to give the Saints a winning season is no reason that Baby
Manning should turn his nose up at the Chargers. So, in the end Ms. Manning went to the
Giants in a trade for Phillip Rivers, and some draft picks, both teams
benefited, but still, it's the principle of the thing. I don't like wishing bad things on
people, but I hope, and I pray that the Chargers start kicking ass, and Phillip
Rivers becomes one of the best quarterbacks of all-time, and takes the Chargers
to Super bowl after super bowl in a Dynasty unlike one we have ever seen.....and
the the Giants suffer a period much like the Saints/Daddy-Manning era.
What a burn that would be!!!!!
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4/22/04 Do you ever wonder if you have an
uncontrollable nervous tick that you don't even know about. Perhaps nobody has
ever mentioned the fact that you stick your tongue out, and roll your eyes to
the back of your head every time anybody says the word "and".
I almost never wonder that either.
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4/21/04
I had an odd dream last night. I
won't go into all the details, because I understand how boring it is listening
to, or reading what another person thinks is funny or weird in a dream. Let me
just say that there was a little lady (about 2 feet tall) in it who was a bug,
and had wings on her back. I was repeatedly swatting her head with a fly
swatter, she got pissed, and tackled me and proceeded to punch me in the arm
with her little fists.
Ok, weird dream....whatever. But
here's the part that really bugs me. In the dream, my wife and I refer the
little lady who is a bug, as a 'dragonfly' however, nothing about her appearance
indicated that she was a dragonfly. So how, and why did my subconscious script
writer come up with "dragonfly", when she was a little lady who was a bug......
a lady bug....SHE WAS A LADYBUG, not a dragonfly!
I am now convinced that all of my
stupidity comes from my subconscious. From now on, I am going to consider
myself a genius....with a retarded subconscious, and whenever I say something
stupid, I'll know that I am sleepy, and my idiotic subconscious wants to come
out and play with shiny objects in my mind while I am sleeping.
I feel much better about myself after coming to this realization. (Don't wreck
it for me!)
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4/13/04 I can't even begin to count how many
times in the last few years I've heard references to Jennifer Lopez's "best
asset".
Yes, J-Lo has a great ass, but it only
just recently dawned on me how absolutely funny that is. She's a fairly accomplished singer, and
a relatively successful actress, yet, her best asset is home to the
downright filthiest of all body parts... the part of her body that she has to
wash with soap to get the stink off...and that's the hottest thing about her.
What's wrong with us?!?.....and by us I
mean me, 'cuz that's a nice butt.
By the way, have you ever noticed
Brittney Spears' nasal passages? ...so hot!
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4/07/04 I really want to win the lottery, but I’m just too damn lazy to play it.
People are always saying, "You can’t win if you don’t play!", but I think
that’s bullshit. Look at the odds, I say I have just as good a chance of
somebody else winning, and giving me a bunch of money as I do of actually
winning it myself, so it’s really not worth all the effort is it?
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4/06/04
"My kid beat up your honor roll
student"...Have you ever seen these bumper stickers? They might as well
read, "I am a big fat white
trash idiot, with no fucking clue...and I'm stupid, and borderline retarded, and
jealous of smart people, and I have bad teeth...did I mention I'm stupid?"
On the other side of the coin
though, you have to consider what those, "My
kid is an honor roll student at Smart Kids Private School"
stickers must make parents with stupid kids feel like...I guess we could ask my
parents.
My mom and dad gave me $20 every
time I got an 'C' or better. I think I made 50 bucks or so on that
deal...sweet.
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4/01/04 I
am very smart. I have an incredible fashion sense. I am irresistible to women. I excel at everything I try. I am 6'5" 235 lbs. of solid muscle. I always smell good. I trust my government to know what's
best for me. I am worth millions. I am an amazing speler. I never pass gas.
I never judge people before I know them.
I am in a position of great power in my job.
I am quick witted.
I do not eat junk food.
I am friendly to all.
I think man is inherently good.
I am incredibly fast.
I think humans are more than just
the evolutionary lottery winner.
I can dunk.
I am not an idiot.
I like people.
I am happy that it's April Fool's Day, and none of this is true :-(
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3/29/04 The puppy we got when she was 7.5 weeks old, turned 9 years old today. Her
name is Belle, and she is a weird dog. She's medicated like Keith Richards in
his glory days, because she has epilepsy, and if we don't control her seizures
instinct makes her pal Daisy(greyhound) want to eat her alive during a seizure.
She whines if she's not covered in the middle of the night, she steals food
whenever she can, she likes to snack on dog and cat poop, and she has been known
to feast on a dirty diaper or two. She is a total lunatic-psycho-bitch...and we
love her dearly.
I thought it might be a good idea to talk to my 5 year old about the lifespan of
dogs since Belle is now a senior, and has a few health issues. Belle has always
been his favorite dog, so I thought it might be difficult to discuss her
eventual passing. Here's how the conversation went:
Tom: You know, Belle is 9 now.
Thing 1: Yeah, I know.
Tom: 9 is pretty old for a dog.
Thing 1: Yeah, she's really old.
Tom: Most dogs only live between 8 and 15 years.
*Pause*
Thing 1: So Belle's almost dead?!? (singing) We can almost get a new
puppy!!!!!
I'd say he took it pretty well.
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3/24/04
When I was a kid I wanted to be a stuntman.
Have you ever seen the movie 'Hooper' with Burt Reynolds, and Jan Michael
Vincent? That’s the one that did it for me. Stuntmen were cool, and brave, and
got all the chicks! Have you seen Burt Reynolds, or Jan Michael Vincent
Lately? Those dudes are messed up!...and they were only pretending to be
stuntmen!!
All the real stuntmen of the world are long dead, which is why they invented
computers...true story!
It was like 1978, and they had just finished shooting the movie 'Hooper' (if you
never saw Hooper, it was a movie about a young stuntman, and an old stuntman,
who...did stunts, and had sex with Sally Field), anyway, filming had just
wrapped, and most of the stuntmen in Hollywood had died during production of
that epic.
So Steven Spielberg who was getting ready to film the 2nd star wars
movie was all pissed that there were no more stuntmen, so he hired the child
star 'Little Billy Gates' to invent a machine that could make magic stuntmen
that were made of fairy dust, called pixels.
And that my friends is the story of the stuntman. Tell your kids, so they can
tell their kids.
WE MUST NEVER FORGET THE BRAVE MEN AND WOMAN WHO FELL OFF OF STUFF FOR OUR
AMUSEMENT!!
Note: I practiced falling down the stairs for fun as a kid...
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3/22/04 Skateboarding in an old body makes for very
sore muscles.
Skated a lot with Brent and Shawn at my ramp on
Friday night, then went to the Vans Skate Park in Milpitas on Saturday with
Brent and Shawn, and met Joey there. Shawn is still injured, and Brent didn't
really feel like skating, so it wasn't the full 'bro-session' we had planned,
but it was still fun, and really good to see Joey again (after like 12 years).
I slammed REALLY hard on my head at Vans. I
love my helmet. Love love love. I hurt my wrist on the same bail, but....my
head is fine. I love my helmet!
3/15/04
At lunch today I was watching some English Premier league soccer, and the
announcer said something very stupid, and proved to me once and for all that
just because somebody may sound intelligent (English accent), doesn't mean they
are.
A Sheffield United player took a
shot on goal that went really far wide of the goal, and the announcer said,
"Oh what a shame, he missed wide right.
There's no telling what would have happened if he got a clean boot on that one!"
No telling what would have happened??!! What the hell are you talking about
Sir Ian Football Announcer The III?
I'm guessing it would have either A) gone in the goal, or B) Been
blocked from going in the goal by the keeper, or C) missed the goal
completely again.
Don't be intimidated by British accents,
they're stupid just like us!
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3/14/04
Thing 1 had his very 1st T-Ball game, and his 1st big birthday party with LOTS of
friends today. During the game he walked from the infield over to where we were
sitting, to say;
"Dad, I'm done playing T-Ball, let's go to my birthday party!"
I can't believe I have a 5 year old. I'm feeling really old. It's almost like
I am aging with every second that passes....weird. ;-)
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3/12/04
My eldest son Thing 1 turned 5 today!
Happy birthday Thing 1!
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3/11/04
Headline in my imaginary world.
Mars Smells...Uranus
vindicated!
Scientists analyzing Mars Rover data have
discovered high concentrations of sulfur in the Martian crust. Speculation is
that Mars smells, "quite assy".
Reports say that the planet Uranus feels vindicated, and is hopeful that it will
cease to be the butt of all jokes. Uranus is also reportedly launching a new
campaign to get Mars nicknamed, "The New Asshole of the Solar System."
Mars was not available for comment.
If
you are here to read old stupid stuff I have said, scroll down and
read away!