 |
|
 If
you are here to read old stupid stuff I have said, scroll down and
read away!
....then consider getting a hobby!
|
|
Archive
# 3
Jan. 2004
1/29/04
Ok, today I have a few "NO SHIT!" beefs with the world.
So this new 'Bird Flu' has everyone freaked out, so the
practice of feeding chicken shit to cows has been halted. Hmm, maybe feeding one
creature's poo too another creature that is intended for human consumption is a
bad idea... NO SHIT!
The drug regulatory department (I have no idea what the official name is) in
Great Britain has come out and said "no anti-depressants for children under
the age of 18. While the US pharmaceutical companies, and US psychiatrists are
busy humping each other and trying to get every kid on Ritalin. When I was
young, a hyperactive kid was called a "Spaz". He would run around like
an idiot until he was tired, then he was no longer a spaz. Simple.
Parents:
instead of trying to change your kid into some calm, shell of what he or she
really is, sit down on the couch, with a cocktail, medicate yourself, and let
little Timmy bounce off the walls for a few years. He'll calm down...eventually.
Or better yet, PLAY WITH HIM!
NOTE: The United States makes up 5% of the world's population, and
consumes 85% of the Ritalin produced. Ritalin has been around since the 40's,
and in 1975, roughly 150,000 American children were taking Ritalin. By 1988,
that number had increased over 500 percent, to just about 1 million children.
This year about 6 million American children--roughly one child out of every
eight--will take Ritalin.
Children have not changed, the parents have.
So, schedule II-mood-altering-drugs for children who DO NOT need them might be a bad
idea?....NO SHIT!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/26/04
I have one question for all my fellow dog owners:
How is it that the poo from one dog can vary so much in its consistency and size
from day to day when their diet never changes?
Please email me if you know the answer to this conundrum...it vexes me.
New Tutorial added.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/23/04
Today seems like Tuesday, but it's really
Friday...Cool! Sometimes when days go screwy, it goes the wrong way, like when a
Monday feels like a Thursday, that sucks. I wonder if senility is kind of like
that mixed-up-days-feeling applied to everything. Like, "Hey this
coffee tastes like urine, and I wish I remembered why I know what urine tastes
like."
Somebody arrived at this site by searching on "Drabqueen".
Drabqueen? Is that like a guy who dresses up in boring women's
clothing? "Uh, yes, does that Beige pant-suit come in extra extra
large?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/22/04
I watched American Idol last
night. It's apparent that most of the people who show up to try out have
no business singing. It's obvious they think they're singers, because they get
all pissed when they're not chosen. THESE PEOPLE ARE DELUSIONAL! They must sing
at home but nobody, friends, family, or strangers have ever said, "You suck
at singing, please stop, and consider never doing it again."
My newest bright idea!
To save your loved ones
the possible embarrassment of doing something really badly on TV, I suggest you
tell them they suck at stuff NOW! If you hear them sing, say, "You suck at singing!
I had to tell you so you don't ever go on TV. You should thank
me!"
I think maybe it would even be ok to tell strangers they suck at stuff to
save them some possible future embarrassment.
"My lord you are terribly unattractive!" If they were considering a beauty pageant, you might have just saved them from a
really awkward situation. Or maybe try something like,
"Wow, your teeth are very yellow. Perhaps you should never smile
again."
Or try:
"Holy crap you're fat!", or,
"Look at that haircut! It's ridiculous!"
You could even suggest things they shouldn't do that maybe they hadn't even
thought of.
"I know we don't know each other, but I have to tell you that you appear to
be WAY
too stupid to ever run for public office."
Or, "Excuse me sir, your gut is massive! Please, for your own safety,
do not try gymnastics."
C'mon everybody, let's be kind, and help each other out.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/21/04
Why do people say, "....do
you see what I'm saying?" No Einstein, I can't see
what your saying. I can hear you ok, maybe turn your subtitles
on...you dumbass.
Does anybody else find the irony in
current popular Ebonic sentence filler, "You
know what I'm sayin'?"
"Sup Dawg. Yo dat shit is off the hinges, youknowwhatI'msayin', I mean
straight of the hizzle ma nizzle. youknowwhatI'msayin'?"
No DJ Jazzy Grammar, I have no friggen' clue what you're saying!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/20/04
Walking through the hallways in my office I have noticed something
odd. People who I work with, but don't really know, greet me, and are in turn
greeted with a whispered, "hi". What the hell is that? it's like,
"I care about you only enough to whisper this greeting, and you're lucky
you get that!"
Out on the street most people ignore each other, and we try
and pretend others don't exist. Occasionally we'll lookup at the same time
someone else does, and we'll exchange an awkward nod, which means, 'Damn, you
caught me looking at you, and as a reward, here is a quick nod as acknowledgment
that you do in fact exist in my world, as much as I wish you didn't.'
I wonder what meeting a stranger was like 30 thousand years ago. Did we sniff
butt, ram heads, slap on the ass, what? We must have shown more excitement than
we do now. My guess is that in those days you could go a lifetime without
meeting a stranger, so greetings must have been a little more involved than a
raised eyebrow, a little nod, or the whispered, "hi". Maybe I
should be happy with the way things are; back then acknowledgment that I exist
might have meant the brutal clubbing of my head with a large knobby stick.
"Nice to meet you neighbor!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/19/04
Out of the blue this morning on the way to school, my 4.8 year old
son shouted, "Dad! I'm evolving into a red turtle with spikes on
his back that surfs on lava!" I said, "Cool!" Then I thought….'What
the hell?!?!' Then he said, "No wait, I'm green." Much
better. I was worried the kid had gone loopy for a minute...red
turtle...sheesh!
So, I was wrong about the Eagles, but I stand by my 28-14 victory in the
Superbowl for the Patriots.
It's funny, my team is spread out across the country waiting to tape their
respective MTV cribs segments, and My wife's team is going to the Superbowl.
No, that's not funny, but what is funny, is that she likes the
Patriots.....because of their uniforms, and that seems to work for her.
*UPDATE* She says she likes their logo, not their uniform.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/16/04
I read through some of my old rants yesterday, and realized I often
sound like a right wing conservative douchebag. But the truth is, I think people on
the right are morons, people on the left are retards, and people in the middle
are idiots. The truth is, I think humans are quite stupid in general.
I would however consider myself a fiscal conservative in that I agree with the
right when they call for tax cuts, and limits on government spending. I
don't support teaching a man to limp by giving him a crutch. The government
should not do everything for everyone. Ok, I'm starting to sound like a
regular old right-wing conservative douchebag again, so I'll quit while I'm ahead ;-)
New image added.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/13/04
On my birthday (Jan 8) somebody arrived at this site by doing a Google search
on, "make breasts bigger Photoshop"
and I just have to say, 'Great idea whoever you are!!!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/12/04
Good football games this weekend, all very close.
Predictions:
Next week: Patriots over colts
Eagles over Panthers
Super Bowl: Patriots 28 - Eagles 14
and the Vikings will be home eating chips and guacamole.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/08/04
Happy birthday Elvis, and David Bowie!
Today I turn 34. I am officially done with my early 30's, and have
entered into my mid-thirties. I remember turning 15 and thinking, "Oh
man, I'm halfway to 30!", That seems like yesterday, but
somehow today I am half way to 68! Ouch.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/06/04
It's almost my birthday. Bummer. I'm not really fond of birthdays, but usually I realize that having a birthday is better than the alternative.
The day we emerge from the womb is a special one that should be noted, but I think the celebration should be roughly 9 months earlier to commemorate that glorious day when I was 1st conceived, no, not glorious because my parents joined together to create a physical manifestation of their love....gross! I mean glorious because it's the day I stopped being a total sperm! Glorious indeed!
Here is a 34 year old photo of me celebrating my last day as a sperm.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1/01/04
Happy New Year (please note, I can't say that with any conviction, as
your year may really suck. I'm sorry for that).
I spent 38 hours straight in bed (except for some hurried visits to the
bathroom), with some kind of stomach bug that was trying to kill me.
Stabbing pains in my stomach off and on for 2 straight days, while barf, and
liquid poo abound does not a fun New Years Eve make.
Over the New Year's holiday, Terror alerts were at the highest yet. I'm
glad people are looking out for me, but I'm wondering if their decisions to
tighten security were based on intelligence, or years of watching super villains
do things on a grand stage in the movies. Think about it. The bad
guys ALWAYS try and kill lot's of people at events like New Year's Eve in Times
Square! So why would real life bad guys be so predictable? Let's
look at their track record....hmmm, a random Tuesday morning in September.
Not really the stuff of Hollywood, but pretty damn effective all the same.
Real bad guys aren't going to tell James Bond their master plan, and then try to
kill him by stuffing chum into his undies, and lowering him into a shark tank,
while they escape in a hover craft, not waiting to see if he actually
dies! Unfortunately these douche bags live in the real world, and they're
going to sneak up behind him, and insert lots of bullets in his brain while he's
taking a piss...un-theatrical bastards!
I shaved my beard. It lasted only 46 days this year.
Back to News Archive