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You clearly don't care, but I tell you anyway.

Archive # 15
May 23rd 2007 - Dec 12th14th 2007

12/12/07
My wife and I work for the same company, in the same building, on the same floor, and it has become my goal to get her to bring me up on sexual harassment charges. I think I'm going to have to offer her a raise (wink wink nudge nudge).

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12/10/07
On Saturday we all competed in the California Unified Taekwondo Association State Championship. Thing1 had done a tournament before, but for Thing2, Deniece, and I, it was our 1st.

Thing2 (5) tested for his orange belt last week, and he knew his form perfectly, but in testing, he kind of drew a blank. He finally got it together, but after that, we were really worried about the tournament. We practiced A LOT, and he was really eager to get it down perfect...and he did!

We only competed in forms, and not sparring, and after watching the sparring I'm glad we skipped it. I loved full contact sparring when I was young, but can't seem to get too excited about these days.

Even though we're red belts at our school, our competition belts for this tournament were one rank lower, so we had to wear blue-advanced. I was bummed about that. I like being a red belt. Anyway, here's how we did.

Thing1 - Bronze (His bracket was bigger than all of ours, so had the most competition)
Thing2 - Gold
Deniece- Silver
Tom - Gold

We have to compete in at least 8 tournaments before we can black belt test, so there'll be more!

Just for fun, here's what they looked like when they started TKD (August '04)
In that pic:
Thing1 = 5
Thing2 = 2years, 2months (still in diapers)

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11//28/07
I skated Livermore last weekend with Kirk. It's a pretty fun little park for cruising, but there were lot's of youngsters there early when they should have been home eating Cookie Crisp cereal, and watching Captain Caveman. The flow area got pretty crazy, and it got difficult to avoid the little people.

My 8 year old son got in trouble yesterday for using the boys bathroom at school, but I'll let him tell you the story (see video)

He still says he's not ready to cut his hair. None of his friends have long hair. They all tell him they want to grow it, but their parents won't let them. I think that makes him feel cool, but it makes us look like the kind of weirdo parents that let's their kids do anything they want, which is not the case at all. Our boys are more polite, and well behaved than most kids we've encountered, and as parents, Deniece and I are a lot more strict than we would have guessed. My parents weren't strict at all, so I don't know where it comes from.

He get's mistaken for a girl almost every time he interacts with a stranger, but he just laughs it off, which freaks me out because he displays a kind of confidence that I STILL don't have. He is empowered by having complete control over something. We have told him, it get's cut, when he wants it cut.

He thinks he is a surfer...and a rock star...and a snowboarding pro (he has never surfed, or snowboarded, or played a sold-out arena show). We got an essay back that he wrote in class, and it had words like, "bro", "dude", and "rad" in it. It also had a note from his teacher in big red letters that said, "Leave off the surfer talk in a formal writing prompt"

The 5 year old says he want to grow his hair to the floor, but then 10 minutes later he asks to go get a hair cut. He LOVES getting his haircut. Last week during a haircut, he was so relaxed, and enjoying it so much, he almost fell asleep.

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11/19/07

On Saturday, we dropped the kids off with their grandparents, and went Christmas shopping. As one would assume, it was painful. We were in the Macy's women's panty department, and I was standing in the long-ass line with arms full of panties, while Deniece was running around grabbing more panties. Panty, and panties are ridiculous words that make me laugh, which is why I keep typing them......panty.

So, there I was holding hundreds of panties, and in front of me were two girls of Asian descent, who were in their mid 20's. Both were fat, but under the delusion that their bellies hanging out over their criminally tight, fat compressing jeans was a good look. As they stood in line, one grabbed a brown tank-top/panty combo pajama set off the rack, and asked the other, "What do you think of this?", to which, the other muffin top said, "I love it, it's so eclectic!"

If was blind, and somebody told me that the girls in front of me were fat, and had their chubby bellies shamelessly exposed, and I had just heard them blatantly, and unapologetically misuse the word 'eclectic', I would have sworn on my life that they were white chicks. I think that means I'm racist. I must admit though, it was a breath of fresh air to see two fat dumb Asian chicks. I'm glad white people aren't the only ones who overindulge in the stupid.

On another race note. I was flipping channels last night, and that VH1 show, "I love New York" was on, and the guys were cooking food for the whore who the show is about. One of the few white guys who is trying to win her vagina made her hot dogs. New York's mom (African American), said in an interview cut, "Hot dogs?! He made her Hot dogs? That is so white trash!". Now, I'm not offended, because, yes, making a plateful of hot dogs trying to win the affections of a girl, and impress her mother with your cooking skills is white trash, but it does show the scary double standard that exists today. Racial slurs need to be frowned upon across the board, or not at all. Personally, I say not at all. We're different for one reason, and that reason is to makes jokes about each other.

By the way, if you're a member of my family, or a close friend, you can expect panties, and panty-related accessories for Christmas.

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11/09/07

Thing 2 (5y/o) and I were talking about how important it is to try your best at things, and while he agreed that it is important, he said, "...it's not the most important thing."

"What is the most important thing?" I asked.

"Family!" He said, "Family is the most important thing."

I told him how much I agreed with him, and we had a hug. Then he followed up with, "You know what's actually more important than family?"

"What?" I asked.

"God. God is more important than everything."

"God?"

"Yes, God is very important... and so is....Cheez-its."

"Cheez-its?!"

"Yeah, you know, that guy who is God's son...Cheez-its. He's pretty important too right?"

Indeed he is son...indeed he is.

Praise Cheez-its!

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10/29/06
I went skating at the Martinez park on Saturday with a couple other older farts. I hated the Martinez park the 1st time I skated there, but I only skated the bowl, and it's lumpy, and dumb. But this time I skated the flow area mostly, and it was just a fun cruise session. I dig it. It felt good to go fast. My knee felt pretty good. I love skateboarding.

In talking about green poops with my family, I coined a new word for it. Cacamole. Just send me a nickel every time you use it...which should be several times a day, because that is an amazing word!

Ex. "I don't know what I ate, but whatever it was, gave me a wicked serving of cacamole"
- Note: It really only works if your stool is both loose, and green.

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10/23/07
We moved home a couple days ago (Sunday the 21st), and while the floors, the ceilings, closet doors, and the walls all look amazing, everything else looks like shit. We have crap everywhere. It's going to take us a while to get everything put back together, and get rid of all the crap we don't need. I say we'll be back in business by this time next year.

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10/22/07
My blog came home yesterday in tears. Apparently, it is the laughing stock of all the other blogs. "Tom, most people say important things in their blogs, but you rarely update me, and when you do, it's with crap nobody cares about."

I told my blog things would get better once I get off the energy drinks.

Because I'm too full of energy-drink-induced-nervous-energy to actually type anything else, here's a crappy video that has nothing to do with anything that I just made in my car when I got back from lunch.

I'm expecting a call from Blog Protective Services any day now.

By the way, I am developing my own brand of energy drink, to be called:
Energy Drink Induced Nervous Energy...Drink ®

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10/18/07

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10/11/07
Still not living at home. Work all day, go to the house, paint, sand, clean...is getting really old. We keep finding things that "we might as well do since everything is out of the way", and that is slowing us down big time. Oh well, the house will look nice when we move back in. We're getting close. We picked our closet doors, and door hardware Paint is on the walls and doors (still have a little left). Casing is on, patched, and sanded, just needs primer/paint. Baseboards go on on Saturday, along with the rest of the crown.

In other fun news, the pack dynamic of my dogs is all out of whack because we're not at home, and Deniece's parent's dog has been thrown into the mix. The result? Dog fights Michael Vick would be proud of. Daisy the greyhound, and Gojira the mutt have gotten into it on a few occasions. The last being the most serious. They were out for blood. I have heard a million times not to get in the middle of a dog fight, because they keep going, and don't even see you, but I'm an admitted idiot, so I dove in anyway. For my efforts I got a broken ring finger on the left hand, and a big 'ol chomp on my right wrist. Deniece also got a bit on her knuckle, and a bruise on her chest from bashing it in the counter, Deniece's mom got a bit on her finger, and the tea pot broke. it was insanity, and I wish it was on video.

Here's my damage.
Inside of the wrist, 1 big puncture (lot's of blood), and 1 medium puncture.
Outside of wrist, 1 medium puncture, and 1 small puncture.
Finger, broken above the last knuckle.

I looked up how to break up a dog fight later that day. Apparently you grab their hind legs, and walk them backwards like a wheelbarrow, while kind of turning so they have to sidestep, and can't get around to bite you...nice little bit of information I wish I had stumbled on earlier in life.

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10/2/07
Well, we've been moved out of our house since 9/22, and we're still not ready to move back in. I miss my house, but it pretty much sucks there anyway. I don't like being homeless.

So far we have:
ripped up the carpets
refinished the hardwood floors
scraped (popcorn), and re-surfaced the ceilings

Now we are in the process of:
painting
installing crown moulding, baseboards, and casing

Then, we get to move back in, and start thinking about our next improvement...master bathroom remodel. At least we won't have to move out for that.

We have been staying at Deniece's parent's house in Alamo, while they were on vacation. Now they are back, so it's all of us (Thing1, Thing2, Deniece, Me, Kevin, Esther, Daisy, Gojira, Emma, a couple birds, and a few cats) under one roof. At least their house is big, so it doesn't even seem crowded. Still, I want my house back!

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9/24/07
We moved out of our house for the next 9 days or so. We ripped up all the carpeting, then moved every piece of furniture, and random accumulated crap out to the garage, and into the kitchen, to have our hardwood floors refinished. What a pain in my ass.

We also ripped out all the baseboards, so we can get those replaced, and we're also going to add crown moulding...and paint. Damnit. I was tired of this project 2 minutes into it, and we still have along way to go.

It will be nice when it's all done though.

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9/20/07

While it sucks to be sick, sickdays are always the upside.

Last week, I got sick on Friday afternoon. I finished the day because I am a loyal robot, and then went home. I was sick all weekend, and come Monday morning, I was all better. Great.

Now, it's Thursday, and I can feel the remniants of my weekend cold changing into something in my chest...something evil. Just in time for the weekend. Such a gyp! Just another example of how work is ruining my life.

The same thing happens with rain. Dry all week, wet all weekend.

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9/14/07

I was just having a poop in the bathroom here at work, and some guy came in, to use the stall next to mine. He got himself all organized, and seated, and began his business, which included peeing. At this point, the sound of pee hitting the water perked up my bladder, and so then I pee'd. I was angry with my penis/bladder for talking with that guy's. It was as if they were communicating with each other, and I have on many occasions strictly forbidden them from talking with strangers.

Living in the SF bay area, and with all the stuff in the news about Senator Larry Craig, and his gay bathroom stall exploits, I always fear that some move I make (like pee signals), will be misconstrued as some kind of gay sex proposition that I don't know about. I swear, if some dude puts his hand under the wall, into my stall, I'm handing him a shitty wad of toilet paper.

"There you go buddy, hope that helps!"

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9/12/07

Today I was standing in this sandwich place near my work, waiting for my lunch, when this tiny lady with a big giant ass in a business suit standing behind me said, "Careful, there's water on the floor right here." I turned and looked down, and sure enough there was a tiny little splash of water, about 3 X 2 inches in size.

She then muttered something about going to find some napkins, and scurried off like a hobbit. About 2 minutes later, she came back, and said, "Where'd it go?!!! Where's the water?! YOU were supposed to mind it!" looking directly at me. "Somebody could have slipped!"

Without even looking at her, I pointed to the tiny spot of water that was 6 inches in front of her foot. It was almost too small to even see. She then laid about 14 napkins on the spot, and walked away. While she was walking away, I first hoped that she would slip in some water, then I had a change of heart, and instead hoped that a grand piano, followed by a giant safe with an anvil inside would fall directly onto her head.

While sometimes entertaining, crazy people usually just suck.

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9/07/07

Happy 35th Birthday Deniece!!!

You're the best, even though your name is spelled wrong.

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8/27/07

Thing 1 started 3rd grade, and his teacher seems WAAAAAY better than the horror show he had last year. Thing 2 Started Kindergarten, and his teacher seems really nice, I think he'll love it. His Classroom is awesome. Warmly lit with table lamps, cozy couches, and chairs, and it smells like candy. I wanted to take a nap there.

Good luck this year guys! (they don't actually read this, but maybe someday they will...perhaps after they've learned the word douchebag, both because I use that word a lot, and because after reading this crap, they'll probably want to say, 'Damn, my dad's a douchebag!').

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8/10/07

Just in case you hadn't noticed, I redesigned my site a little bit. I was actually going for "worse", so shut-up, and don't give me shit.

I was taking my dogs for a walk yesterday, and as I was passing a parked car, I noticed some birthday decorations in the seat, and a box of Depends Adult Under Garments. So, being the super-genius that I am, I figured out that the Depends were probably a gag gift for someone turning 40, or maybe 50...any birthdays after that, and the joke just isn't that funny. No, you're right, it's never actually funny.

Seeing the Depends got me to thinking about just how bad that joke actually sucks. Not so much because it's poking fun at someone getting older, and their almost inevitable eventual loss of bowel, and bladder control, but because, what if that was the last package of depends in that store? What if some poor old lady pooped her last Depend that morning, and made a quick trip to the store to buy some. However, 10 minutes before she got there, Todd from accounting came in to pick up a birthday cake for Peter from Sales, and thought the Depends joke was brilliant, so he grabbed those too. Now picture the distraught old lady standing in front of an empty shelf in the store where the Depends are supposed to be...."CLEANUP AILSE 11!" Damn you Todd, that shit just is not funny.

If anybody ever buys me Depends for my birthday, I'm going to make that person wear them, and punch them in the privates until they fill them up.

Not so funny now is it Mr. McCrapshispants!

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8/1/07
Happy birthday Dad!!!

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7/27/07
I just walked to 7-11 to buy a bottled water. Now, I'm not really the bottled water kind of guy, but I drink an ass-load of water. Usually I just refill the bottles I have from the water cooler at work. I accidentally threw my bottle away yesterday, so it was time for a new one.

I bought this.

Cool bottle but hardly worth $3.10 for 1 liter of water!!!!

Walking back to the office there was a big traffic jam, and I was hoping that people in their cars looking at me were thinking, "Why is that guy carrying a can of silver spray-paint?! He must be a graffiti-artist-vandal-ne'er do well-miscreant!", instead of, "Look at that yuppie douche with his 3 dollar bottle of water!"

I was pretending the water was some kind of top secret liquid in a cool canister, and I was a super spy...and I was in Prague, and hot assassin chicks were following me, and they were nymphomaniacs who felt compelled to assassinate me with their well-developed love making skills.

Seriously though, what the hell does anyone need with 3 dollar Norwegian water?

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7/26/07
My sister-in-law Sara ships out for Iraq today. Good luck Sara! Watch out for those giant friggen camel spiders...and bombs and stuff.

In shitty celebrity news, Heather Mills, the one-legged pirate has plundered dear Sir Paul McCartney for 100 million dollars. Insanity. Sir Paul also has to give their child 5 million a year until she's 18. Fine, I think that's great, but how in unholy hell does that peg-leg gold-digger deserve 100 million of his...nay, our dollars that we willingly gave to Sir Paul and the rest of the Beatles in trade for their music? There is so much wrong with the world.

                          The Notorious Captain Mills
               "The most succesful land pirate in history"

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7/13/07
Thing1 started guitar lessons yesterday. After the lesson, his teacher told me he was impressed by Thing1's musical tastes. When asked what kind of music he liked, the first band he named was The Clash...attaboy!    The 1st lesson consisted of learning the parts of a guitar, positioning, learning how to read tablature, and of course, Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple.

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7/02/07

Last night it was hot, so I was rocking the belly (no shirt). I went in to the boys bathroom to help Thing2 get a drink of water. He looked at me for a second, and said, "Nice....uh.......these things (pointing to his shirt where his nipple would be)."

"You mean nipples?"

"Yeah, nice nipples."

"Thanks buddy."

"You're welcome."

It may be an odd thing to say, but he's 5, and I'm just glad somebody finally noticed.

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6/24/07

Thing2's 5th Birthday!!! Happy birthday buddy! His favorite outfit is still his birthday suit, and he puts it on every chance he gets.

We went to the Giant's Yankees game on his birthday which was pretty fun, except for Bart, and Muni. I am not a fan of mass transit. I like the transit part, but loathe the mass.

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6/23/07

We went down to Rancho Mirage to my parent's house for a little vacation. It was a billion and 4 degrees, but it was nice. We swam a lot, and went to the movies a couple times, water park, up to the mountains to see Deniece's grandparents, kid's museum, and out to dinner almost every night. It was a good trip. The boys love both sets of grandparents, and they really enjoy spending time with them. I like that. I was never fond of my grandparents...they were old, weird, and mean. My dad's dad was an awesome guy, but he died when I was just a pup, and I don't have any memories of him.

I skated the Palm Springs skate park in 115 degree heat. I was the only idiot there. They require full pads...even elbow pads, so I was roasting alive. After about 30-40 minutes I felt dizzy, and figured I'd better quit.

The park has a replica of the famed Nude Bowl, which is one of the best pools ever in skateboarding (me skating the Nude). The original Nude Bowl was out in the middle of the desert at what was apparently an abandoned nudist colony. There were a few walls standing, all riddled with bullet holes, shattered glass, garbage, shotgun shells, and bullet casings were everywhere. It looked like a middle eastern war zone, and right in the middle of it all was this amazing left-handed kidney pool that was perfect. I skated it every time I went to the desert as a youngster.

One time, My friends Garrett, Shawn, and I were there in the summer, and it was between 115-120 degrees. We were young, and dumb, and didn't have water. We skated for a while, and then Garrett got loopy, and grumpy and wandered off, and wouldn't talk to us. Shawn and I were skating in tightey whitey underwear, and we can only assume that's what made Garrett grumpy...I don't blame him. Eventually, we were all pretty beat, so we left. Driving back to Palm Springs, Shawn got REALLY loopy, opened his door, and fell out of the driver's seat of his car, onto the street at a red-light. I climbed out of the back (2 door), picked him off the street (which was probably 180 degrees or more), and threw him in the back, and drove the rest of the way home. Good times.

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6/12/07

Skateboarding might be in be in the Olympics in 2012.
Hoo-friggen-ray.

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6/06/07

My 4.9 year old graduated from Pre-Kindergarten last night. He told us he feels taller.

When they handed out the diplomas, the teachers said a little something about each kid. Our guy got "Best Dressed" which is kind of awesome since there are kids in his class who wear sweater vests, and general Alex P. Keaton wear, and Thing2's wardrobe consists of mostly skate shirts, and baggy shorts...basically, stuff that I wear. I think that means in theory that if I were in his class, I probably would have tied him for best dressed. In reality however, it means that I dress like a 4 year old.

Congrats on graduating Pre-K buddy!! You're stud.

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6/04/07

I was in 7-11 this morning, and as I was squeezing by the obese teenagers filling their Mountain Dew Double Big Gulps, I overheard a conversation between two people that kind of threw me. It was so surreal, I have to give it to you verbatim.

Lady: "Hi Joe! Long time no see!"

Joe: "Wow, yeah, it has been a long time."

Lady: "Yeah, we're just picking up some Monday junk food breakfast."

Joe: "Oh, don't remind me...Mondays....ughhhh."

Lady: "I know, I know, Mondays are the worst."

Joe: "So, how have you been?"

Lady: "Well, I'm feeling pretty sick...I've got cancer."

Joe: "You too?!"

Lady: "Yeah, I'll be going to see my dad in heaven pretty soon."

Joe: "Yeah, me too................................................................."

Lady: ..............Well, I guess I'll see you there."

Joe: "Yeah." (laughing awkwardly)

Lady: ".........................Maybe we should just pretend it's Tuesday."

Joe: "Great idea."

Imagine having a case of the Mondays, and a case of the cancers. Shitty.

The lady was there with her granddaughter, trying to buy her something for lunch later at school. The granddaughter was about 10, and just being a total shit, and rudely saying, "NO!" when her grandma asked if she wanted this, or that, and not once did grandma say, "Look you little shit! I know it's 7-11, and the sandwiches are scary, BUT I'VE GOT CANCER!!!!! and it's Monday...so just pick something.

In case you're on the fence about it, cancer sucks.

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5/23/07

We had a funny dinner the other night. We were talking about what went on out on the playground at school that day. Thing1 told us in a whisper, and spelling it out, that a 3rd grader said, "H.....E.....L....L", like it was the worst thing anyone could ever say. The conversation then continued as such:

Dad: "Did he get in trouble?"

Thing1: "No, nobody grown up heard. There's another word too.... *thinking*....Flunk...funky...(Deniece and I quickly shared a glance, as we could see where this was going, but it seemed like he may not be able to pull the actual word from his memory)...flook....fack..........
FUCK!" he yelled with the unbridled excitement most people have when they come up with a word they were searching for.

I had just taken a bite of salad, and most of it ended up on my lap, except for the crouton that was wedged in my larynx, Deniece was laughing so hard, I think salad was actually shooting out of her nose, and through my tears, I could see both boys looking at us, with a *what the hell?!* expression on their faces.

I took a full minute to control the laughter. The entire time I was choking, and laughing, I was thinking, 'I know I'm a grown up, and should be delivering a stern lecture right now, but, honestly, I don't think I'm mature enough to be that dad.'

Thing2 is a comedian, and he takes mental notes whenever anybody laughs at something, so he can work it into his act. So, while the laughter subsided, and the talk about inappropriate words began, I noticed Thing2 whispering to himself, which is something he does when trying to commit things to memory. "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck"

I made him stop, and then we included him in our little discussion. I then thought about the last time I had seen him committing a word to memory after it had stricken Deniece and I with laughter, and that word, "testicles" is still in heavy rotation.

I told them they can't use the f-word until they're grown up. They both asked, "how old?" I told them, "fifteen", and that was followed by a hearty, "Yesssssss!" I guess I should have said 30, but honestly, I can't wait to hear it again.

We told them it was actually one of the worst words they could use, and that if for some strange reason they feel the need to say it before they are 15, "Just make sure you're not near a teacher, or your grandmas."

By the way, Thing1 still thinks the s-word is s...t...u...p...i...d.

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