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You clearly don't care, but I
tell you anyway.
Archive # 15
12/12/07
My wife and I work for the same company, in the same building, on the same floor, and it has become my goal to get her to bring me up on sexual harassment charges. I think I'm going to have to offer her a raise (wink wink nudge nudge). ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 12/10/07 On Saturday we all competed in the California Unified Taekwondo Association State Championship. Thing1 had done a tournament before, but for Thing2, Deniece, and I, it was our 1st. Thing2 (5) tested for his orange belt last week, and he knew his form perfectly, but in testing, he kind of drew a blank. He finally got it together, but after that, we were really worried about the tournament. We practiced A LOT, and he was really eager to get it down perfect...and he did! We only competed in forms, and not sparring, and after watching the sparring I'm glad we skipped it. I loved full contact sparring when I was young, but can't seem to get too excited about these days. Even though we're red belts at our school, our competition belts for this tournament were one rank lower, so we had to wear blue-advanced. I was bummed about that. I like being a red belt. Anyway, here's how we did. Thing1 - Bronze (His bracket was bigger than all of ours, so had the most competition) Thing2 - Gold Deniece- Silver Tom - Gold We have to compete in at least 8 tournaments before we can black belt test, so there'll be more!    Just for fun, here's what they looked like when they started TKD (August '04) In that pic: Thing1 = 5 Thing2 = 2years, 2months (still in diapers) ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 11//28/07 I skated Livermore last weekend with Kirk. It's a pretty fun little park for cruising, but there were lot's of youngsters there early when they should have been home eating Cookie Crisp cereal, and watching Captain Caveman. The flow area got pretty crazy, and it got difficult to avoid the little people. My 8 year old son got in
trouble yesterday for
using the boys bathroom
at school,
but I'll let him tell
you the story (see
video) On Saturday, we
dropped the kids off
with their
grandparents, and
went Christmas
shopping. As one
would assume, it was
painful. We were in
the Macy's women's
panty department,
and I was standing
in the long-ass line
with arms full of
panties, while
Deniece was running
around grabbing more
panties. Panty, and
panties are
ridiculous words
that make me laugh,
which is why I keep
typing
them......panty.
So, there I was
holding hundreds of
panties, and in
front of me were two
girls of Asian
descent, who were in
their mid 20's.
Both were fat, but
under the delusion
that their bellies
hanging out over
their criminally
tight,
fat compressing jeans
was a good look. As
they stood in line,
one grabbed a
brown tank-top/panty
combo pajama set off
the rack, and asked
the other, "What do
you think of this?",
to which, the other
muffin top said, "I
love it, it's so
eclectic!"
If was blind, and
somebody told me
that the girls in
front of me were
fat, and had their
chubby bellies
shamelessly exposed,
and I had just heard
them blatantly, and
unapologetically
misuse the word
'eclectic', I would
have sworn on my
life that they were
white chicks. I
think that means I'm
racist. I must
admit though, it was
a breath of fresh
air to see two fat
dumb Asian chicks.
I'm glad white
people aren't the
only ones who
overindulge in
the stupid.
On another race
note. I was
flipping channels
last night, and that
VH1 show, "I love
New York" was on,
and the guys were
cooking food for the
whore who the show
is about. One of
the few white guys
who is trying to win
her vagina made her
hot dogs. New
York's mom (African
American), said in
an interview cut,
"Hot dogs?! He made
her Hot dogs? That
is so white
trash!". Now, I'm
not offended,
because, yes, making
a plateful of hot
dogs trying to win
the affections of a
girl, and impress
her mother with your
cooking skills is white trash,
but it does show the
scary double
standard that exists
today. Racial slurs
need to be frowned
upon across the
board, or not at
all. Personally, I
say not at all.
We're different for
one reason, and that
reason is to makes
jokes about each
other.
By the way, if you're a member of my family, or a close friend, you can expect panties, and panty-related accessories for Christmas. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Thing 2 (5y/o) and I were
talking about how
important it is to
try your best at
things, and while he
agreed that it is
important, he said,
"...it's not the
most important
thing."
"What is the most
important thing?" I
asked.
"Family!" He said,
"Family is the most
important thing."
I told him how much I agreed with him, and we had a hug. Then he followed up with, "You know what's actually more important than family?" "What?" I asked.
"God. God is more
important than
everything."
"God?"
"Yes, God is very
important... and so
is....Cheez-its."
"Cheez-its?!"
"Yeah, you know,
that guy who is
God's son...Cheez-its.
He's pretty
important too
right?"
Indeed he is
son...indeed he is.
 Praise Cheez-its! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 10/29/06 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ We also ripped out all the baseboards, so we can get those replaced, and we're also going to add crown moulding...and paint. Damnit. I was tired of this project 2 minutes into it, and we still have along way to go. It will be nice when
it's all done though. While it sucks to be
sick, sickdays are
always the upside.
Last week, I got
sick on Friday
afternoon. I
finished the day
because I am a loyal
robot, and then went
home. I was sick
all weekend, and
come Monday morning,
I was all better.
Great.
Now, it's Thursday,
and I can feel the
remniants of my
weekend cold
changing into
something in my
chest...something
evil. Just in time
for the weekend.
Such a gyp! Just
another example of
how work is
ruining my life.
The same thing
happens with rain.
Dry all week, wet
all weekend.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 9/14/07 I was just having a
poop in the bathroom
here at work, and
some guy came in, to
use the stall next
to mine. He
got himself all
organized, and
seated, and began his
business, which
included peeing. At
this point, the
sound of pee hitting
the water perked up
my bladder, and so
then I pee'd. I was
angry with my
penis/bladder for
talking with that
guy's. It was
as if they were
communicating with
each other, and I
have on many
occasions strictly
forbidden them from
talking with
strangers.
Living in the SF bay
area, and with all
the stuff in the
news about Senator
Larry Craig, and his
gay bathroom stall
exploits, I always
fear that some move
I make (like pee
signals), will be
misconstrued as some
kind of gay sex
proposition that I
don't know about. I
swear, if some dude
puts his hand under
the wall, into
my stall, I'm
handing him a shitty
wad of toilet paper.
"There you go buddy, hope that helps!" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Today I was standing
in this sandwich
place near my work,
waiting for my
lunch, when this
tiny lady with a big
giant ass in a
business suit
standing behind me
said, "Careful,
there's water on the
floor right here."
I turned and looked
down, and sure
enough there was a
tiny little splash
of water, about 3 X
2 inches in size.
She then muttered
something about
going to find some
napkins, and
scurried off like a
hobbit. About
2 minutes later, she
came back, and said,
"Where'd it go?!!!
Where's the water?! YOU were
supposed to mind
it!" looking
directly at me.
"Somebody could have
slipped!"
Without even looking
at her, I pointed to
the tiny spot of
water that was 6
inches in front of
her foot. It was
almost too small to
even see. She then
laid about 14
napkins on the spot,
and walked away.
While she was
walking away, I
first hoped that she
would slip in some
water, then I had a
change of heart, and
instead hoped that a
grand piano,
followed by a giant
safe with an anvil
inside would fall
directly onto her
head.
While sometimes
entertaining, crazy
people usually just
suck.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Just in case you
hadn't noticed, I
redesigned my site a
little bit. I was
actually going for
"worse", so shut-up,
and don't give me
shit.
I was taking my dogs
for a walk
yesterday, and as I
was passing a parked
car, I noticed some
birthday decorations
in the seat, and a
box of Depends Adult
Under Garments. So,
being
the super-genius that
I am, I figured out
that the Depends
were probably a gag
gift for someone
turning 40, or maybe
50...any birthdays
after that, and the
joke just isn't that
funny. No, you're
right, it's never
actually funny.
Seeing the Depends
got me to thinking
about just how bad
that joke actually
sucks. Not so much
because it's poking
fun at someone
getting older, and
their almost
inevitable eventual
loss of bowel, and
bladder control, but
because, what if
that was the last
package of depends
in that store? What
if some poor old
lady pooped her last
Depend that morning,
and made a quick
trip to the store to
buy some. However,
10 minutes before
she got there, Todd
from accounting came
in to pick up a
birthday cake
for Peter from
Sales, and thought
the Depends joke was
brilliant, so he
grabbed those too.
Now picture the
distraught old lady
standing in front of
an empty shelf in
the store where the
Depends are supposed
to be...."CLEANUP
AILSE 11!"
Damn you Todd, that
shit just is
not funny.
If anybody ever buys
me Depends for my
birthday, I'm going
to make that
person wear them,
and punch them in
the privates
until they fill them
up.
Not so funny now is
it Mr.
McCrapshispants!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I bought this.
 Cool bottle but hardly worth $3.10 for 1 liter of water!!!! Walking back to the
office there was a big
traffic jam, and I was
hoping that people in
their cars looking at me
were thinking, "Why is
that guy carrying a
can of silver
spray-paint?! He must
be a
graffiti-artist-vandal-ne'er
do well-miscreant!",
instead of, "Look at
that yuppie douche with
his 3 dollar bottle of
water!"
I was pretending the
water was some kind of
top secret liquid in a
cool canister, and I was
a super spy...and I was
in Prague, and hot
assassin chicks were
following me, and they
were nymphomaniacs who
felt compelled to
assassinate me with
their well-developed
love making skills.
Seriously though, what
the hell does anyone
need with 3 dollar
Norwegian water?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 7/26/07 My sister-in-law Sara ships out for Iraq today. Good luck Sara! Watch out for those giant friggen camel spiders...and bombs and stuff. In shitty celebrity news, Heather Mills, the one-legged pirate has plundered dear Sir Paul McCartney for 100 million dollars. Insanity. Sir Paul also has to give their child 5 million a year until she's 18. Fine, I think that's great, but how in unholy hell does that peg-leg gold-digger deserve 100 million of his...nay, our dollars that we willingly gave to Sir Paul and the rest of the Beatles in trade for their music? There is so much wrong with the world. The Notorious Captain Mills "The most succesful land pirate in history"  ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 7/13/07 Thing1 started guitar lessons yesterday. After the lesson, his teacher told me he was impressed by Thing1's musical tastes. When asked what kind of music he liked, the first band he named was The Clash...attaboy! The 1st lesson consisted of learning the parts of a guitar, positioning, learning how to read tablature, and of course, Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple.  ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 7/02/07 Last night it was hot,
so I was rocking the
belly (no shirt). I
went in to the boys
bathroom to help Thing2
get a drink of water.
He looked at me for a
second, and said,
"Nice....uh.......these
things (pointing to his
shirt where his nipple
would be)."
"You mean nipples?"
"Yeah, nice nipples."
"Thanks buddy."
"You're welcome."
It may be an odd thing
to say, but he's 5, and
I'm just glad somebody
finally noticed.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Thing2's 5th Birthday!!!
Happy birthday buddy! His
favorite outfit is still his
birthday suit, and he puts
it on every chance he gets.
We went to the Giant's Yankees game on his birthday which was pretty fun, except for Bart, and Muni. I am not a fan of mass transit. I like the transit part, but loathe the mass. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 6/23/07
We went down to Rancho Mirage to my parent's house for a little vacation. It was a billion and 4 degrees, but it was nice. We swam a lot, and went to the movies a couple times, water park, up to the mountains to see Deniece's grandparents, kid's museum, and out to dinner almost every night. It was a good trip. The boys love both sets of grandparents, and they really enjoy spending time with them. I like that. I was never fond of my grandparents...they were old, weird, and mean. My dad's dad was an awesome guy, but he died when I was just a pup, and I don't have any memories of him. I skated the Palm Springs
skate park in 115 degree
heat. I was the only idiot
there. They require full
pads...even elbow pads, so I
was roasting alive. After
about 30-40 minutes I felt
dizzy, and figured I'd
better quit.
The park has a replica of
the famed Nude Bowl, which
is one of the best pools
ever in skateboarding (me
skating the Nude). The
original Nude Bowl was out
in the middle of the desert
at what was apparently an
abandoned nudist colony.
There were a few walls
standing, all riddled with
bullet holes, shattered
glass, garbage, shotgun
shells, and bullet casings
were everywhere. It looked
like a middle eastern war
zone, and right in the
middle of it all was this
amazing left-handed kidney pool
that was perfect. I skated
it every time I went to the
desert as a youngster.
One time, My friends Garrett, Shawn, and I were there
in the summer, and it was
between 115-120 degrees. We
were young, and dumb, and
didn't have water. We
skated for a while, and then
Garrett got loopy, and
grumpy and wandered off, and
wouldn't talk to us. Shawn
and I were skating in tightey whitey underwear,
and we can only assume
that's what made Garrett
grumpy...I don't blame him.
Eventually, we were all
pretty beat, so we left.
Driving back to Palm
Springs, Shawn got REALLY
loopy, opened his door, and
fell out of the driver's
seat of his car, onto the
street at a red-light. I
climbed out of the back (2
door), picked him off
the street (which was
probably 180 degrees or
more), and threw him in the
back, and drove the rest of
the way home. Good times.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 6/12/07 My 4.9 year old graduated
from Pre-Kindergarten last
night. He told us he feels
taller.
When they handed out the
diplomas, the teachers said
a little something about
each kid. Our guy got "Best
Dressed" which is kind of
awesome since there are kids
in his class who wear
sweater vests, and general
Alex P. Keaton wear, and
Thing2's wardrobe consists
of mostly skate shirts, and
baggy shorts...basically,
stuff that I wear. I think
that means in theory that if
I were in his class, I
probably would have tied him
for best dressed. In
reality however, it means
that I dress like a 4 year
old.
Congrats on graduating Pre-K
buddy!! You're stud. I was in 7-11 this morning,
and as I was squeezing by
the obese teenagers filling
their Mountain Dew Double
Big Gulps, I overheard a
conversation between two
people that kind of threw
me. It was so surreal, I
have to give it to you
verbatim.
Lady: "Hi Joe! Long time
no see!"
Joe: "Wow, yeah, it has
been a long time."
Lady: "Yeah, we're just
picking up some Monday junk
food breakfast."
Joe: "Oh, don't remind
me...Mondays....ughhhh."
Lady: "I know, I know,
Mondays are the worst."
Joe: "So, how have you
been?"
Lady: "Well, I'm feeling
pretty sick...I've got
cancer."
Joe: "You too?!"
Lady: "Yeah, I'll be going
to see my dad in heaven
pretty soon."
Joe: "Yeah, me
too................................................................."
Lady:
..............Well, I guess
I'll see you there."
Joe:
"Yeah." (laughing
awkwardly)
Lady:
".........................Maybe
we should just pretend it's
Tuesday."
Joe:
"Great idea."
Imagine having a case of the
Mondays, and a case of
the cancers. Shitty.
The lady was there with her
granddaughter, trying to buy
her something for lunch
later at school. The
granddaughter was about 10,
and just being a total shit,
and rudely saying, "NO!"
when her grandma asked if
she wanted this, or that,
and not once did grandma
say, "Look you little shit!
I know it's 7-11, and the
sandwiches are scary, BUT
I'VE GOT CANCER!!!!! and
it's Monday...so just pick
something.
In case you're on the fence
about it, cancer sucks.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Dad: "Did he get in
trouble?"
Thing1: "No, nobody grown up
heard. There's another word
too....
*thinking*....Flunk...funky...(Deniece
and I quickly shared a glance,
as we could see where this was
going, but it seemed like he may
not be able to pull the actual
word from his memory)...flook....fack..........
FUCK!" he yelled with the unbridled excitement most people have when they come up with a word they were searching for. I had just taken a bite of
salad, and most of it ended up
on my lap, except for
the crouton that was wedged in
my larynx, Deniece was laughing
so hard, I think salad was
actually shooting out of her
nose, and through my tears, I
could see both boys looking at
us, with a *what the hell?!*
expression on their faces.
 I took a full minute to control
the laughter. The entire time I
was choking, and laughing, I was
thinking, 'I know I'm a grown
up, and should be delivering a
stern lecture right now, but,
honestly, I don't think I'm
mature enough to be that dad.'
Thing2 is a comedian, and he
takes mental notes whenever
anybody laughs at something, so
he can work it into his act.
So, while the laughter subsided,
and the talk about inappropriate
words began, I noticed Thing2
whispering to himself, which is
something he does when trying to
commit things to memory. "fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck"
I made him stop, and then we
included him in our little
discussion. I then thought about
the last time I had seen him
committing a word to memory
after it had stricken Deniece
and I with laughter, and that
word, "testicles" is still in
heavy rotation.
I told them they can't use the
f-word until they're grown up.
They both asked, "how old?" I
told them, "fifteen", and that
was followed by a hearty, "Yesssssss!"
I guess I should have said 30,
but honestly, I can't wait to
hear it again.
We told them it was actually one
of the worst words they could
use, and that if for some
strange reason they feel the
need to say it before they are
15, "Just make sure you're not
near a teacher, or your
grandmas."
By the way, Thing1 still thinks
the s-word is s...t...u...p...i...d.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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