Tioem ++ Photoshop resources ++

12/28/06
Christmas has come and gone. The boys had a great time. I'm at work which is dumb. There is nobody here. I have a lot to do, which sucks, because I specifically asked Santa for very little, or nothing to do. Weak.

I shaved my beard. Normally when I shave off a big beard, I go with some silly looking mustache trying to be ironic. This time I took a different route.

I wore this chin bush for a while until I started to shun technology. After this picture was taken, I kind of freaked because I thought the camera was trying to steal my soul.

Deniece wanted me to keep this one. I think she was just happy the chin curtain was gone. This one lasted about 20 minutes. Why is my hair lopsided on one side?!

I shaved it off, and got a haircut the next day. Now I look like this. I think I need to grow my beard again.

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12/22/06
Just in case we forgot about you, and neglected to send you a real card,

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12/18/06
Belle the Whippet died yesterday at about 4:15p.m. She got to simply drift off to sleep in her favorite spot next to the couch, in the sun, surrounded by all of us.

The boys helped me dig the hole, and they both put a bunch of tennis balls (her favorite thing on earth) and a chew toy in the grave.

She will be missed.

Belle the Whippet Princess
March 29, 1995 - December 17, 2006

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12/15/06
I have grown my beard for 90 days. I'm getting sick of it though, and will shave it into some kind of stupid white trash configuration to get a laugh or two pretty soon. Here's what it looks like.

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12/07/06
I take the big guy to get his staples removed today, so, that'll be fun.

My beard has been growing for 83 days, and I have not trimmed it. It's on the verge of going from a big beard, to a ridiculous beard. I can't wait.

I'll post a photo of it at day 90. This is the longest period of time I've ever had a beard.

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11/30.06

Yesterday around lunch I got a call from Thing1's teacher who said, "He hit his head, and is bleeding profusely, and he's covered in blood. He doesn't know how it happened. We have pressure on it, he seems ok, do you want us to call the paramedics, or come get him?!"

Since we work 5 minutes from school I opted to go get him.

I got to the office, and found him sitting there holding a basketball, that was covered in blood, holding a blood soaked towel to his head, smiling ear to ear when he saw me. He looked like a bystander to a grisly murder scene, but he was happy.

The cut had stopped bleeding at that point, so we headed to the hospital, and he got cleaned up, and stapled. He never cried, and he wasn't even scared...even though he told me the office lady who was holding the towel to his head was shaking so bad it was making his head move, and he said, "...that kind of freaked me out."

Battle Damage Thing 1 Action figure With Kung Pao Grip

We went back to school to get his homework, and see his teacher. She was REALLY relieved that he was ok. We went to the scene of the crime, and found that he had walked into the corner of a head-high electrical box. He told me he wishes it was still Halloween, so he could be a "Frankenstein Ninja".

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11/27/06

Hi internet, sorry it's been so long. I know you probably hate me, and you'd be right to. I'm sorry...it's not you, it's me. I am a sucky blogfriend. I think you deserve better. No, it's nothing that you've done, I promise! I'm just going through some stuff.

What stuff?

Well, I'm trying to figure out where this is going. I mean, c'mon, you're the internet. I'm just some idiot hunt and pecking at a keyboard. You see, that's something I was never able to admit to you...I can't type. There's a lot about me you don't know.

Yes, I realize you know everything about where I go on the internet. Crotchless panties?! Well yeah, I did a google search on those, but I was going to buy them for you! For us. But that's just it. How would I even know what size to buy? You're the internet! And to be honest, I don't really like you following me around cyberspace. I sometimes feel trapped. I mean, how would you feel if I did a google search on 'free porn'? You know very well that most guys search for stuff like that, but since we've been together...

You what?

Someone else?

Who?

How many?

Wow.

No, that's cool, I mean, I was going to break up with you anyway.

Fine!

By the way, I hate your friends!

Page not found?!

Oh, that's real mature.

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10/27/06

Today I found out that this guy named Conrad who used to work for the company my wife and I work for, a guy who I honestly thought was one of the coolest guys here, is going to prison for molesting a 9 year old girl.

He plea bargained down to "Committing a lewd act with a child" from the more serious charge of "Continuous sexual abuse of a child". He's going away for 6 years. I hope he meets a few pissed off gang bangers with nothing to lose who wish they were home being good fathers to their daughters. I really liked that guy, but it's not hard to wish harm on him. He deserves whatever he gets.

I've always considered my self a good judge of character, and am usually guarded with people, because quite honestly, I don't like most of them. This guy Conrad was funny, outgoing, and just a really charismatic guy. You would never have guessed he was a fucking scumbag, the lowest of the low. I hate that I ever even shook the guy's hand, or laughed at a joke of his.

The article I was shown said he picked the girl up from school, so that means it was probably his granddaughter, or some relation, because kidnapping wasn't mentioned. Child abuse is sickening, and when you add in the fact that this piece of shit was molesting a child that trusted him to protect her from harm as Grandfathers are supposed to do, it makes it even worse.

I hate PC bullshit that makes excuses for the scum of the Earth. Usually the 1st thing we hear about child abuse cases is that the accused suffered abuse as a child. I'd like to hereby call bullshit on that. Yes, people who were abused as children are more likely to abuse when they are adults, but you know what? That excuse sucks. Adults know what is right and wrong. Adults know what pain they suffered at the hand of an adult when they were young, and understand that nobody deserves that. You know who doesn't understand these things? Sickos. Human garbage. Wastes of skin.

My mom was sexually abused as a child, and grew up in a really shitty household, and you know what? She did not abuse us. She loved us, and cared for us, and protected us, like adults are supposed to.

It's time to make sure these pieces of shit learn how to control their unnatural urges. It's time to start making examples out of them. Mandatory castration and public humiliation would be a good start, and how about a big black tattoo on the forehead that reads, "CHILD MOLESTER". I think those steps would go a long way.

If you met this guy, and spent time with him, you would have really liked him. That fact frightens me to death. He seemed like a really great guy, the kind of guy you may even trust to watch your children.

Trust No One.

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10/26/06

Let me tell you why I suck as a person.

This morning on the way to work/school, we saw some police cars, and an ambulance up ahead. As we passed, right outside my window, there was a ten speed bike crumpled, a car pulled off to the side, and a guy on a gurney being put into the ambulance, and here are the things I thought...in order.

1) I hope my sons didn't see that.

2) That is going to bum me out all day.

3) I wonder if that lady (the driver) is drunk.

4) I hope that guy is ok.

I thought about 3 people before I expressed any concern for the dude who was just HIT BY A CAR ON HIS BIKE!

Like I said, I suck as a person, and somebody should revoke my license because I barely qualify.

By the way, I hope that guy is ok.

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10/18/06

I hate un-rinsed dishes in the sink...makes me crazy. But I also HATE rinsing spoons. I always get splashed. I'm pretty sure I can't win.

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10/16/06

I have a beard. Big deal right? Wrong. People at work simply cannot shut up about it.

I don't understand. It's like some of these idiots have no idea how a beard happens. I have actually said to people who have commented, "Yeah, when men stop shaving, they get a beard! Weird huh?"

Walking back to the office with my lunch, I ran into a guy who works for my company, and he said, "Wow, FURFACE!" I just laughed, and kept going. Just now, I saw the same guy in the hall, and he said, "So, are you going as wolfman for Halloween!?"

It's a fucking beard you idiot. This is what happens naturally to the face of most men when they don't shave!!!! Get over it! I should have asked him if he was going as a woman for Halloween, because his shaving everyday is putting a lot more effort into his "Halloween costume" than me not shaving.

The last time I grew a beard a marketing manager said to me, "You're lookin' a little scruffy!". I just laughed it off, and resisted the urge to say something about his appearance...60 lbs overweight, and wearing a tucked in Cosby sweater. Good lord man! How dare you say ANYTHING about somebody's appearance when you're wearing a Cosby sweater...TUCKED IN!

I love growing beards. It's my birth right. I can never keep them too long, because they start to bug me, and they make me look old, but if people don't stop giving me shit about them, I'm going to grow it down to my dick, and never shave it off.

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10/03/06

This just in:

There has been a total of 47 school shootings in the last 18 minutes.

Seriously, WTF?! What could possibly make parents feel their kids are safer at school than a one room Amish schoolhouse?

I just wish that some of these douchebuckets wouldn't kill themselves, and we as a nation agreed that a clear, and brutally effective example must be set. It's not fair that these shit stains get to take the easy way out. It's like calling "Not It!" when you are clearly it, or "Base" while making up an entirely new home base in a game of tag, or "Time Out!" when you are about to be tagged in that game of tag. Not fucking fair.

I HATED leaving my kids at school today.

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10/02/06

I started my Winter beard really early this year. Actually, I stopped shaving about 2 and a half weeks ago...when it was still Summer. I'm still calling it a Winter beard though, so shut up. I am planning on making this one totally ridiculous. If I can go till Christmas, it will be a giant furry mess, and that's kind of what I'm going for.

I forgot to mention that I skated pacifica two Saturdays ago. That park is so rad, but traffic on the way there, and the way back is not cool at all. My knee felt fine, and my ribs are about 99.5%, so basically, I am ready to start skating a lot more...just in time for the rainy season.

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9/28/06

There's a kid in my son's class named Ricky Ricardo. How rad is that?!

I'm going to try and get my son to change his name to Fred Mertz. I may have to bribe him with a Gameboy game though.

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9/27/06
Not much going on. I made a picture.

Over and out.

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9/19/06

Kids rule. They are so mentally adaptable, and psychically resilient it amazes me.

Thing 1 as you know has been swamped with homework, but he hasn't complained yet. He just does it. He's still the same happy kid he's always been. I'd be pitching a fit daily.

Thing 2 is at the age (4) where he's growing pretty fast, and while he's normally super coordinated, lately he's been eating shit...a lot. Last week we went to a Giant's game, and on the way up to get food, he tripped on one step, and domed himself on the corner of the next step. He got a huge purple Fred Flintstone bruise/knot on his forehead, and he was over it in a minute or two. A few days before that he was playing on the mini-ramp in socks (really slippery), and his feet shot out, and he landed eyebrow first on the transition, and got a sweet shiner for his efforts. Someday I'm going to do connect the dots on his bruises with a sharpie. If the dots make an image of the Virgin Mary, I could make a lot selling him on Ebay.

I have been broken all summer, and haven't skated at all. My ribs are almost all better, and my knee has good days, and bad days. I think this week I'm going to skate Walnut Creek on my lunch break. I'll let you know what I break.

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9/12/06

Almost 3 hours of homework last night. My personal "Daddy Time" is being seriously encroached upon. I am drinking less, and watching less TV...not cool Ms. Teacher Lady, not cool.

The Vikings won their 1st game, so that's good. The new head coach however said something that made me chuckle...at him.

"I am tremendously humble and was a little emotional after the game."

Yes, it is possible to be tremendously humble, except when you say it about yourself.

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9/8/06
Last night was back to school night, and this morning we met with Thing 1's teacher. Yeah, she gives an assload of homework, but I think she's an awesome teacher. She's super passionate about getting kids to learn, and I think her methods sound good, but I did forget to ask her about tearing up nameless papers, that still seems wrong.

She said our guy may be the smartest kid in class, and potentially go into GATE (gifted program), but, he doesn't listen, he doesn't follow directions, he doesn't pay attention, he's in his own little world most of the time, and he's often heard mumbling,"10 minutes to Wapner."

I'm gonna take my little Rainman to Vegas, and make a killing!

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9/7/06
My bride turns 34 today, and she's hotter than ever. Happy birthday Deniece!

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9/6/06
This homework shit is ridiculous. It used to be that we could hang out with the boys, and play until their bedtime, and then we could do grown up stuff. Now we have to put the little guy to bed, and keep the big one up until 3 am doing math facts. I am getting better at subtraction though.

He told us if kids forget to put their name on homework, the teacher rips it up in front of the class. That's fucking nuts!

That's the kind of shit that made me hate school. I understand how telling a kid he's stupid and useless will motivate him to achieve more, but ripping up a paper just seems mean.

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9/1/06
Ok, remember when I said Thing 1's new teacher was known for giving a lot of homework...I had no idea. Last night he had 2 HOURS of math homework, then he had to read for 20 minutes. He's 7. I don't think I had 2 hours of homework until I was in college, and even then, I didn't do it.

When I was in second grade I had ONE homework assignment. I had to write a report on Vikings. My mom did most of the work, including drawing a kick-ass Viking ship for the cover. Thanks Mom! By the way Mom, if you feel like moving in for a year, your grandson would love to have you do his homework for him.

I clearly remember teachers not giving homework during the 1st week of school, and I even had a few who held off on homework for the 1st month. This could be a long year.

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8/30/06

We have belt testing tomorrow for purple. I'm not looking forward to being a purple belt. While the Minnesota Vikings are my favorite football team, and they do wear purple, that doesn't change the fact that purple clearly falls on the feminine side of the spectrum. No, not for everything. I have a purple Vikings hat I wear, but we're talking about a purple BELT...to be worn with a white pajama combo.

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8/29/06
The 1st day of school went swimmingly. Nobody related to me got naked.

It's awesome only having one place to drop the boys off.

Pre-school + daycare for 2 is going to cost over 10 grand this year, so that hurts, but at least the little guy kept his clothes on for the 1st day.

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8/28/06 - Naked at School

1st day of school. It still depresses me.

Both boys now go to the same school. Thing2 is in Pre-School, and Thing1 is in 2nd grade.

Last night I was giving Thing2 a bath, and we were talking about school. I was trying to feel him out to see if he was nervous, because for most of his life he has been at a small daycare with between 4, and 6 kids, and this is going to be a big change for him. In the midst of this conversation without even looking up from his bath toys, he told me, "I'm gonna get naked at school."

I'd say he's not that nervous.

We dropped the boys off this morning, and I had to get to work, so I couldn't hang around for very long, but Deniece stayed, and made sure they were ok. She said Thing1's teacher is a hardass. She made the kids stand up behind their desks, and say their names, and where they were from using a complete sentence. If a kid slouched, or leaned on their desk, they had to start over. AWESOME!

This teacher is known for being tough, and for giving lot's of homework. At the end of last year the 1st grade teachers got together to place the new 2nd graders with an appropriate teacher. While I am completely bummed that we'll be doing homework all the time, I am glad that they thought he was ready for a "hard" teacher.

I have a fear that Thing1 will get picked on by bullies, and while I know that Thing2 will not be a bully, I fear for any bully that tries to pick on him...he takes zero shit.

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8/25/06

I got an X-Ray on my knee yesterday. I won't know the results until my appointment on Tuesday, but I'm almost positive the x-rays will show the alien embryo that is gestating under my kneecap. He's growing bigger, and stronger each day. I call him Zartfon.

I've been injured many times, and I have been subjected to a variety of limps, however, none have been as sucky as the limp I have going on now. I can't straighten my left knee, nor can I bend it too far. The resulting hobble for some reason makes me lean over a little, and I end up hunching a bit. That along with the goofy ass un-bending leg make me look like a cave man. The harder I try to move like the Homo Sapiens, the more I look like a shaved down Neanderthal.

If you humans keep looking at me funny, I'm gonna bash you with my wiping stick.

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8/21/06

If you're an American male with foreskin (normal penis), or legally in charge of an American male with foreskin (normal penis), you should watch out for American doctors. They really have it in for the foreskin.

A couple months ago, Thing 2 (4y/o) was complaining about pain in his penis. Deniece took him to the doctor, and they immediately screamed "CIRCUMCISION!". The pain went away while he was still at the doctor. A few weeks later we went to a urologist, and he screamed, "CIRCUMCISION!". We then decided to get a second opinion, from another urologist, and he said, "He's fine."

Long story short. He's never had any other problems aside from a couple hours of slight discomfort, probably due to Phimosis (scar tissue that prevents the foreskin from being retracted), which is gone now, and he can fully retract it without any issue.

Why do American doctors hate the foreskin? I'm guessing like me, they're just pissed that they don't have one.

Deniece and I read a lot about phimosis on the internet, and were well equipped with penile-knowledge which is why we requested a second opinion. I'm thinking about making a t-shirt for him that says: The Internet saved my foreskin.

Where was the internet when they were doing unnecessary cosmetic surgery on my penis! Stupid Al Gore.

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8/18/06
Wow, almost a month between updates. I suck

We went to New Hampshire for a week of family, and fun. My kids got to play with, and spend quality time with each of their cousins. It was good to see everybody. I could live in New Hampshire, or Vermont, or Connecticut, or Massachusetts, or Arizona, or Colorado, or Oregon, or Texas, or East Armpit, or...just about anywhere other than Northern California, I am completely over it.

My ribs are getting better. They still hurt occasionally, mostly when I lay down. 54 days, and I'm still not healed. That's just stupid.

Our dumb dog almost died again. She got into the garbage, and got some Chocolate Calcium candy supplement things. I don't ever remember any of us humans ever eating one, so it was full, and they ate a lot of them. She was in a daze for about a week, and could barely walk. We even had "the talk" with the boys. We should have known she would come back. I'm starting to think this sickly little thing might live to be 40.

I'm also starting to wonder if the poo snacks she eats are sustaining her...like a Vampooer.

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7/24/06
So, it turns out that I’m an idiot.

On Friday, I went skateboarding at the Walnut Creek skatepark on my lunch break. It was about 100 degrees, so I thought, ‘You know what, screw the knee pads.’ The police will give you a $150 ticket for no helmet, but they don’t care about other pads. So, there I am, padless, and I got a nasty wheel bite (when you turn too hard, and your wheel and board touch, thus creating an incredibly effective breaking system. I flew to flatbottom, and landed on my shoulder, side, hip, and the side of my knee. It hurt, but not too bad. I kept skating for another 15 minutes until the heat was unbearable. Then I went to Subway to get a 12 Inch Veggie Delight.

<Tangent> Ok, I feel gay enough not eating meat, but when they make me order something called a "Veggie Delight", and on top of that, force me to try and decide which is less gay, saying ‘foot long,’, or ‘12 inch’, I end up being the biggest sissy in a sandwich place filled with beefy construction workers ordering the Meaty Meat Lover’s Meatwich. At least I don’t order the 6 inch...even I'm too butch for that
</Tangent>

Anyway, when I got to subway, I got out of the car, and could barely walk. My knee was KILLING ME. Every step sucked. It took about 40 steps to figure out a limp that didn’t hurt, but unfortunately it made me look like I had taken a few too many 12 inchers.

I have been icing religiously, but all the limping over the last few days has knotted up my calf, so now that my knee feels better, my calf is all ruined.

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7/12/06

We rented the Dukes of Hazzard movie the other night. It was about what I expected, thoughtful, intelligent, groundbreaking cinematography, and topped with a beautiful score.

One thing bugged the crap out of me though. At one point Daisy was wearing a disguise so she wouldn't be noticed gathering info about Boss Hogg's secret plan. She had a hat, a wig, some sunglasses, but she was wearing Daisy Dukes! C'mon Daisy! That's like wearing a nametag!

The ribs felt better, so I skated on my lunch break Monday. I wasn't planning on doing anything real, just carving around the bowl. It felt good. I was felling confident. I decided to step it up a notch, and go as fast as I could, and try some new lines. So, I was flying into the deep end, and I hit a little tree bud that had fallen into the bowl. My board stopped, and I got pitched into a solid cement wall going between 10-15 miles per hour. Somehow, the ribs didn't even feel it. Everything else did though. Now two days later, I can barely lift my arms above my head. Everything is sore. It feels like I did 200 push-ups, or even like I crashed into a cement wall at speed.

Stupid skateboarding.

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7/03/06
My ribs are getting better. Now it only hurts when I move, and breathe, and sometimes when I blink.

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6/28/06
Wow, my ribs are KILLING me. Laying down, and getting up are miserable experiences.

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6/27/06
Thing 1 had surgery today to get tubes in his ears. This is the second time for this surgery for him. He was a stud.

As he was laying there in recovery, loopy from anesthesia, I was envious of his drug induced painlessness....my ribs are hurting a lot.

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6/26/06

On the way to skate camp, Thing 1 and I were listening to They Might Be Giants (one of his favorite bands), and he said, "Dad, turn the music down, so we can talk." I turned the music down, and he laid this little gem on me.

"Dad, wouldn't it be awesome if sharks had arms, and big pockets filled with popsicle sticks, and then they would catch fish with their hands, and stick popsicle sticks in them, and eat them that way?"

And quite honestly, I can't think of anything that would be much more awesome than that.

I skated a little while with him before the camp counselors, and other kids showed up. I finished up a run by rolling out of the deep, tried to step on the deck, missed, stepped into the bowl, fell like 175 lbs. of bricks on the deck, and landed with my ribs on my fist which was on the concrete...CRACK!! At least 1 broken rib...good morning Mr. Dumbass. It only hurts to breathe, and move, so I'll be fine.

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6/24/06
Thing 2's 4th birthday today!!!

We had a bunch of kids, and a big jumpy at our house, and he had a blast.

Happy Birthday buddy!

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6/15/06
Today marks the 10 year anniversary of my marriage to Deniece. Easily the best 10 years of my life so far.

Happy anniversary Ball and Chain!!!!!

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6/13/06
I can't be the only person who worries about asshole inventors and their potentially invisible cars coming the from the opposite direction when I make left turn...can I?

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666
So, today is 666, and some people think bad stuff is going to happen? Because really, it only makes sense that Satan would go by the Gregorian Calendar that was established a mere 424 years ago...by a pope.

I would imagine that satan plays by his own rules, and following some pope's calendar doesn't really seem in character (from what I've seen in movies).

Anyway, good luck, and watch out for brimstone (sulfur) it's quite smelly.

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6/01/06

I don't watch a lot of "reality" shows, but NBC has a great one called Dateline. I watched it last night, and the premise is AWESOME.

Here's how it works.

Dateline poses as an underage boy or girl looking for sex on the internet. They invite the pedophile over. When the bad guys get there, the fake underage person calls to them, and tells them to come in, and have some fresh baked cookies. The sickos sit down, eat some cookies, and then in walks Jeff Probst or somebody similar, and he starts asking him questions about why he's looking for sex with a 14 year old.

The perverts they showed were pretty candid, and admitted they have a problem, and that they've done this many times before. Then some of them even thanked the reporter (I'm guessing they were thinking they got off easy). So the pedophile says goodbye, and walks out of the house, where he is immediately tackled and handcuffed by police. BURN!!!!!

One sick piece of shit was there looking for sex with an underage boy with his 5 year old son in tow. I say castrate first, and ask questions later.

The tribe has spoken.

I hate people.

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5/31/06
I had belt testing for green-advanced belt last night. It was my best testing yet...up to a point. My form was perfect, my 3-step sparring was spot on, and my board break was a hammer fist which is pretty easy, so no problem there. Then, there was the sparring.

I have a decent turn back hook kick that I have yet to use in sparring at this school. Mainly because I am rusty with it, but also because it's kind of dangerous, and I don't want to be the guy who hurts a fellow student. Anyway, the 1st guy I sparred was a purple belt about 44 years old, and about 4 inches shorter than me. For some reason, I decided to do the turn back hook, and of course got him in the head. I pulled it a bit, so it wasn't that hard, and he was fine, but I felt bad anyway.

Enter Karma.

The next guy I sparred was about 23 years old, on the sparring team, in the "Excel" class (reserved for badasses), and he's about 6'4". I have sparred this guy before, and he kicks hard. However, in belt testing it's not supposed to be about killing your opponent, it just supposed to be about showing what you know. Well, this guy apparently knows how to knock people out with a roundhouse to the jaw.

He seems like a nice guy, so I'm sure he didn't mean it, but we both threw roundhouses at the same time, and his hit me in the cheek on the right side, and I was out cold before I even hit the mat...face first. I was unconscious for between 20 and 40 seconds (I'm told). I don't remember a whole lot after that, just bits and pieces. I do remember sitting on a bench, and somebody (Deniece maybe) handing me a water, and I spilled it on my pants, and I remember thinking, "Fuck, people are going to think I pissed myself."

Anyway, my jaw is hurting today (the tm joint on the left side). I also have bruises, and swelling inside my lips, and cheek, from either when I got hit, or when I hit the floor, I'm not sure. There is also a HUGE painful bruise inside my thigh from the 1st guy I sparred.

Luckily the boys were playing in the other room, and didn't see it. Deniece didn't like seeing it too much. I kind of remember seeing her lip quivering, but I also remember my eyeballs vibrating back and forth, and everything sort of quivering.

Nothing like a hard reboot of your brain....in front of 70 people. So embarrassed.

Jaw injured
lip/cheek bruised and battered
Pride destroyed

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05/25/06
So, apparently way more people vote for the new American idol than vote in presidential elections. It seems like I should be more embarrassed to be an American than I am.

I watched it once with my mom. There was a hot chick, and a grey-haired dude...that's all I know.

I hope someone in charge of elections, or the Rock The Vote people, or even Puff Daddy were paying attention to the voting. Think about the voter turn-out we'd have in ALL elections if we could just phone it in. Somebody get to work on that please.

Anyway, this is pretty cool!

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05/16/06
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only person who ever feels guilty for what I do to toilets. What did the toilets ever do to us?!

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05/15/06

Ok, I've gone over $cientology a few times, but there is another "religion" that scares me. Mormonism. Actually, from outward appearance, Mormonism seems a lot less sinister than the lawyer powered $cientology, but something about it really gives me the creeps. I think it's those blond teenagers wearing dark pants, and white short-sleeve button down shirts with a tie...and a bike helmet. Whenever I see them, and realize they are out on a "mission" to convert you and I, I get a real children of the corn kind of vibe.

Mormonism Fun Facts:
(Go ahead and bring up these points the next time a Mormon knocks on your door)

They wear 'magic' underwear that will protect them from evil.

The Garden of Eden is in Missouri.

God lives near a star named Kolob.

Mormons baptize dead people...a lot of them.

They believe they will be a god of their own planet after death.

You need to know a secret handshake, and password to get into heaven.

The sun, and moon are inhabited because God wouldn't want that much land wasted.

Joseph Smith needed magical devices to translate the Book of Mormon.

Joseph Smith didn't want polygamy in Mormonism, but a powerful angel with a sword threatened him, and made him.

The Earth once orbited Kolob, but when Adam and Eve ate the apple, it fell to orbit around current sun.

Jesus is the savior of many worlds, and Satan is the bad guy of those worlds.

Joseph Smith had a few 14 year old wives.

Joseph Smith liked to marry woman who were already married to other men.

Utah leads the nation in bankruptcy filings. The 10% tithe is NOT optional for Mormons if they want a "Recommend" (a ticket that allows them to enter the temple).

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05/12/06
My dad had surgery on his guts last week, so I flew down to be there. Everything went well, and he's on the mend.

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05/04/06

I enjoy good food, but, I enjoy really crappy food even more. I'm thankful that I am not a food snob, because there's a lot more crap food out there than good food.

I have a real love affair with bland food, which I think is due to my Scandinavian heritage (Swedish). While most people were eating turkey, or duck, or goose for Christmas dinners, my family was chowing down on the all together flavorless Potatiskorv (potato sausage), and cherishing every flavorless bite, only knowing we were eating something because we could feel it in our mouths.

My favorite after school snack growing up was passed down from my grandpa to my dad, and onto my siblings and I. Crackers in Milk. Simple, elegant, delicious, and completely bland. You should try it, here's the secret recipe:

Crumble up some saltines in a bowl
pour milk over it like cereal.

DELICIOUS!

I still have an unnatural fondness for saltine crackers, however, just like one day I decided to switch from Coke to Diet Coke, a few years ago I switched from regular saltines to "Unsalted Saltines". I felt the salty ones just had too much flavor. If you would like to try an unsalted saltine, (and why wouldn't you?), but you don't have any handy, just open your mouth, and leave it open for about 7 hours so it completely dries out...now quick, taste! HMMMMM flavorless..

Currently my favorite meal would be:

Parmesan Goldfish crackers, and a giant unsweetened iced tea.

A true delight for the palate, and fine dining sensibilities alike.

Unfortunately I get this meal on rare occasion, and only at work. The main reason that I only eat it at work is because I wouldn't want my kids thinking it's ok to eat like a white trash idiot.

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05/01/06
Every time I start a new tube of toothpaste I think, 'Ok, this one will be different. I'm going to replace the cap each time, and keep it clean', But despite my best efforts, near the end of the tube's life, it is encrusted with dried paste, cap long gone, stray hairs clinging on for the ride, and shitty breath becomes a better option.

I think the toothpaste tube is an apt metaphor for just about everything in life. The more you mess with it, the messier it gets.

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4/26/06
I gave my dog mouth to mouth!!! I'm still kind of freaking out about that.

New art added.

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4/25/06

We had a pretty intense night last night. After tucking the boys in, I was in the den on the computer, and Deniece was doing the dishes in the kitchen, she gave the dogs the left over sticky rice that had been sitting in the rice cooker since dinner. After few minutes I went in the kitchen, and Deniece and I were talking. Daisy, the greyhound was acting weird, standing really close to me. After talking for a bit, I went to check the boys, and in the hall I found Belle, the whippet laying on the ground, not moving, foaming at the mouth.

I assumed she had a seizure, because she's epileptic, and that's what she does. I called Deniece, and she noticed rice in the foam, and said, "Oh shit, she's choking on the rice I just fed them (about 4 minutes ago at that point). She was conscious, but only a little, and pretty unresponsive. We started digging the rice out of her throat, and it was PACKED in there. We kept pulling big chunks out. She was fading at this point, and went unconscious. Her tongue was dark blue. We got to the point where we couldn't reach the rice that was still packed in her throat, so Deniece carried her lifeless limp body to the kitchen.

At that point we couldn't reach any more rice, so I stuffed her big blue tongue back in her mouth, held her snout shut, and started doing mouth to mouth (nose) on her. My breaths were filling her lungs, I could see her chest heave. Then the air would just seep out, but at about the 9th breath, she actually kind of pushed a breath out, and I could see that she was conscious, and there was life in her eyes. After 5 more breaths, she pushed a breath out a little harder, and then took a shallow breath on her own. She was alive.

She laid on the counter, not moving, and only breathing shallowly for about 5 minutes, then we moved her into the living room, and put her on her bed, and laid with her. We squirted a tiny bit of water in her mouth to help her swallow the rest of the rice that was still stuck, and after about 10 minutes, she was fine, and acting like nothing had ever happened.

We lost her, but she came back... it was amazing. She was without oxygen for over five minutes, but she's no more brain damaged now than she was before. She should be dead. I'm REALLY glad she got a second chance. It would have been a tough morning when the boys woke up, had she died.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't remember me making out with her on the kitchen counter, because there was no awkwardness at breakfast this morning, so that's good too.

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