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Archive #11 11/09/05 - 4/21/06

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4/21/06

Sometimes new and improved technology gives you cancer...true story.

I went to the dentist on Wednesday, and had to get X-rays. the lady said, "We're going to take 4 X-rays...two on each side." Now, I'm not at all comfortable with X-Rays, because I have had an ASSLOAD in my life, and that shit is cumulative. Yet somehow through a genius marketing, and PR campaign, they have me convinced that losing a few teeth is worse than a horrible death from cancer.

Nowadays, X-Rays are digital, so that means, they stuff the razor sharp film in your mouth, take the X-Ray, and can see it immediately, without developing it. Anyone who takes pictures with a digital camera knows that without having to worry about film, and developing costs, you can shoot as many pictures as you like...whose gonna mind?!...maybe the guy you're shooting cancer at with your ray gun, that's who!

Here's how it went:

1st X-Ray: Ok, bite down...good.....BEEEP...ok, good one.

2nd X-Ray: Ok, bite down...BEEEP...let's try that one again.

3rd X-Ray: Ok, bite...BEEEP...huh, let me move it up here to get your top teeth better.

4th X-Ray: Bite...BEEEP. Good one. Let's do the other side.

5th X-Ray: Ok, bite...BEEEP. Oh, that's a nice one.

6th X-Ray: Bite down...BEEEP...That one is a little blurry, let's try again.

7th X-Ray: Bite down...BEEEP...good one. I want to try to get a better one on the 1st side.

8th X-Ray: Bite...BEEEP...there's the one I was looking for, that was easy enough.

HOLY SHIT ANSEL ADAMS!!!!! POINT THAT CANCER GUN AT YOURSELF YOU FUMBLING BUFFOON!!!!!!!

I was pissed. 8 X-rays of my teeth C'MON! If she wanted to kill me, I would prefer she strangled me with floss, or, stab my throat with the plaque scrapper, or even drown me by not sucking the accumulating slobber that collects in my throat...which she tried to do also.

There I was drowning, and she wheels herself away, I was thinking she's gonna grab the sucky thing to save my life, but she's f'ing around behind me doing some dental assistant crap, then when she comes back she finally decides to suck the crap out, but by that time, I've swallowed a stomach full for plaque filled saliva...nice life guarding Pamela Anderson.

My dislike of the dentist increases every 6 months. Someday, I'm gonna go crazy, grab the Cancer Cannon, and shoot everybody in the place.

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4/18/06

I went out to my car this morning to find my door slightly ajar, and inside things were all wrong. Glove box open, visors down, stuff I had hidden away strewn about. My car had been burglarized. Luckily I had all my valuables inside the house with me hidden under my pillow, and the only thing missing was my ashtray full of change, about 3 dollars worth.

So, that ass raped feeling that you get when you realize you've been robbed, and your personal property has been finger banged by some dirt bag wasn't quite so bad. I think I got off lucky (considering I left my car unlocked). No broken window, nothing of value missing...except my ashtray. It actually didn't feel lke an ass rape at all...it was more like I sat on some of my kid's legos or something.

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4/15/06
Flat tax please.

Life would be so much better. I know, I know, poor accountants, poor Turbo Tax, poor IRS employees (14 billion at last headcount), but as Billie Jean said, "Fair is fair!", and as I often say, "Taxes can suck on my hairy, wrinkly, leathery man purse."

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4/06/06
I had Jury duty for the 1st time in my life this week. The case was, The People Vs. Beavers. During jury selection, I was eventually dismissed by the prosecutor after I sat in the Juror #5 seat for quite some time. I think he could tell I was a flaming heterosexual, and I would NEVER sit in judgment against Beavers.

Let me just say, I pray that I never have to be judged by a jury of my peers, for my peers are morons.

Judge: "Do you think you can listen to the evidence, and make a judgment based on the rule of law?"

Retarded Juror #1: "I don't think so your Judge, I don't like cops."

Judge: "I see you marked that you know someone in law enforcement on your questionnaire, tell me about that."

Retarded Juror #2: "Yes, I worked for a private investigator.

Judge: "Well, that's not law enforcement.

Retarded Juror #2: "Well, he acted like a cop."

Judge: "I see you marked that you or a family member has been the victim of a crime, tell me about that."

Retarded Juror #3: "Yeah, I was mugged at knife point. (this lady seemed like she was lying).

Judge: "Were you injured?"

Retarded Juror #3: "Yes, I got cut on my arm, and kicked."

Judge: "Did the police catch the guy?"

Retarded Juror #3: "Uh....no, they never caught the guy.
Judge: "A police report was filed though wasn't it?"

Retarded Juror #3: (sounding very nervous now) "Uh, no, I don't think there was a police report.

Judge: "Were the police called?"

Retarded Juror #3: "umm...no, I don't think so."

Judge: "you got mugged with a knife, and cut, and kicked, but you didn't call the police."

Retarded Juror #3: "I'm pretty sure I did, but I don't think they filed any paper work, or reported it."

I do kind of wish I got to sit through the entire trial for one reason. When the judge was reading the witness list, she came across a name that made just about every guy look up with a smirk. Yes, folks, Candy Beavers was going to testify. I'm really hoping she's the Granddaughter of the 75 year old shriveled up defendant, Ronald Beavers, and not his wife, but that would have been pretty cool too.

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3/30/06
Last night, Thing 2 (3) told us out of the blue, "I love you more than 22 chickens." That's a lot of chickens!

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3/29/06
So if you watch Lost, you know that Sun is pregnant, but Jin is shooting blanks, so somehow the island got her pregnant.

If you've never seen a Korean woman give birth to a bouncing baby island, that is some must see TV right there. I even heard she wants to have the baby island naturally, with no pain medication...AWESOME!

I added a new image to the gallery:
Pirate Booty

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3/22/06
For his birthday, Thing 1 decided that he wanted to go to Tahoe, and stay in a cabin rather than having 4 million screaming friends join us for the wonder that is Chuckie Cheese's...Deniece and I were terribly sad 8-)

Apparently 7 is the age when guys start doing stupid stuff to get a laugh. After birthday cake (brownies...another of Thing 1's executive decisions), he went outside, in the 14 degree snowy weather, and did a bunch of laps around the cabin....in his underwear.

Welcome to the fold young Thing 1:

I even joined Thing 1 for a few laps.

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3/12/06
Happy Birthday Thing 1! 7 years old!!!!

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3/3/06

The Enquirer has broken the biggest story of the year...Clay Aiken is gay! They have released an internet chat transcript including webcam images that prove the unimaginable. The hard hitting Enquirer has also recently proven that trees are in fact very tall plants, dogs are not ugly, hairy, human children, tall people actually have the same weather as short people, and they released spy satellite photos that once and for all prove that ice is actually very cold water. My world has been turned upside down.

I hate the fascination people have for celebrity. So what if some marginally talented singer of crap music is gay. Why do people care!? And WTF is wrong with people who want to stay in the closet, but do stupid shit like broadcasting themselves on a webcam in a chat with some total stranger...a total stranger who if he's anything like every other person in the world is after two things. 1)Money 2)Penis/Vagina. So, seeing as this was an internet chat, and not actual sex, there was no actual penis to be had for this total stranger, so the next logical step would be for him to sell his story for money...and probably penis.

If Clay didn't want to be outed, he wouldn't have been. How hard can it be to go full on Homo-Ninja®? Forget the internet, why not don some kind of sexy gay disguise, jump on the bus, and head down to the local gay section of town, and proceed to have crazy gay sex with 483,000 total strangers in the course of about 19 minutes? I heard that's how it works for the gays!! That's actually kind of how I hoped it would work for straight people too when I was 15 years old...no dice, lucky gays.

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2/21/06
I just got over a cold, and my nose is kind of dry from all the blowing, and wiping. Now, I don't know about you, but I REALLY don't appreciate the occasional little piece of dry skin that decides to make it's valiant attempt at freedom from the repressive moist skin community...near my nostrils. These clever, albeit misguided little flakes of dry skin employ a method of escape that makes me nuts. They try to disguise themselves as boogers, just hangin' out by the nose...don't mind us. I usually catch them as I look in the mirror, more often than not after I just talked to someone who I wouldn't want seeing me with a faux booger on my nose.

When I catch them trying to escape, I say, "So, you want to be a booger do you?" then I laugh maniacally as I stuff them up my nose.

Another player in The War on Tom('s coolness), is the unidentifiable brown stuff that I inevitably get on the seat of my pants whenever I sit down outside. I'm not clear on what the objective of these brownish substances is, but the skill in their method of disguise is undeniable. "Sergeant Squishy, I want you and your men stationed on that park bench! I don't care how long it takes, I want it to look like Tom crapped his pants, are we clear?"

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2/06/06
A whole bunch of of Muslims are pissed about some newspaper cartoons that show Mohammad. Apparently that's a no-no. You're not supposed to depict the prophet, and you're not supposed to show him in the Sunday comics trying unsuccessfully to figure out what to get his wife for Valentines day, and ending up buying her a set of tools. To westerners, that is comedy gold. Muslims don't get it.

I don't understand something though. I think we can safely assume that the vast majority of Muslims are good people (non extremist), who only want their religion understood, and accepted. So, when the lunatic fringe of their religion goes nutty, and starts decapitating people in the name of said religion, where are these protestors? They should be up in arms yelling, "That is not my Islam!", and "Death to the terrorists!", as they are doing far more harm to the Religion of Peace than any stupid cartoon.

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2/03/06
A new season of Survivor started last night. In celebration of the one reality show I can stomach, Deniece and I thought we'd make up a Survivor drinking game to play. The rules were simple.

1) Drink anytime an exposed body part must be blurred out.

2) Drink anytime a contestant says something stupid.

I might have to fine tune the rules a bit, as we both fell into alcohol induced comas 15 minutes after the show started.

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2/01/06
Belt testing update. Deniece did perfect, and broke her board on the second try. The first try, her holder was looking away, which you're supposed to do, but he was looking in the mirror, so when the kick was coming, he flinched, and moved the board a little. He got told which way to look, and told NOT TO MOVE, and her next attempt was flawless. Thing 1 did everything perfect as well. He got his board on the second attempt too, and again, it was the holder's fault he missed his 1st attempt (holding is as important as the actual technique used to break the board). His holder was a lower belt with not a lot of experience holding boards, and had it near Thing 1's head level, and wasn't holding it at an angle, just straight up. Thing 1 tried anyway, didn't hit it clean, then the guy noticed how everyone else was holding, and adjusted himself, and lowered it to about Thing 1's chest level. Second try was no problem...stud. My testing went well too.

Deniece rolled her ankle sparring, and Thing 1's sparring ended in tears (mostly from frustration) which it usually does, but other than that, it was a good night.

We have to do 1000 push ups, 1000 sit-ups, 1000 jumping jacks, 1000 mountain climbers, 2 mile timed run (not sure of the time), 15 mile hike with a 50 pound pack, and a bunch of other stuff for our black belt tests. Good thing that's a few years away, but it's probably time to try and start getting into some serious good shape to get ready. :-\

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1/31/06

Tonight Thing 1, Deniece, and I belt test. I am testing for my orange, and Deniece and Thing 1 are testing for green.

For every belt testing we have to break boards. For my break tonight, I have to do an elbow strike. Deniece, and Thing 1 have do an axe kick for their breaks. I'm a little nervous for them. Neither of them hit very hard. We bought boards like we do before every test to practice. Thing 1 broke his 1st board on his second try, and we all thought, 'no problem'. Deniece was not able to get through her boards. We tried quite a few times, and had to stop each time because her heel was getting destroyed (that's what you hit with on an axe kick). A week after Thing 1 did his 1st board, we had him try to do his second to boost his confidence even further...no dice. He couldn't get through it. Confidence gone.

So, tonight is going to be really stressful. Even if you do your form and 3-step sparring perfectly, get your questions correct, and kick ass in sparring, you will not pass if you don't break your board. I know they can both break their boards, but I am super nervous for them. It's not the end of the world if they don't pass, they'll be able to try again next month, but it'll still suck.

You'll probably hear from me tomorrow with news that Thing 1 and Deniece both broke their boards with no problem...and I shattered my elbow, while leaving the board intact.

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1/24/06

My short term memory much like my attention span completely sucks. How bad does it suck Tom?, you ask (just play along damnit!). Ok, now I've set it up to sound like a joke, but it's not, so stop playing along.

Kobe scored 81 points. Yeah, that's a pretty amazing feat. The most amazing part however took place not during the game, but in the post game interview when he neglected to thank his teammates. Look at the stats from the game, and you'll see that magic number, 81 Points. The you'll see a smaller number next to that one which is incredibly telling, and sums up the kind of player that can rack up 81 points, and not thank his teammates...2 assists. Yay Kobe.

So back to my short term memory, and attention span.. I find it difficult to remember who got there 1st when at a 4-way stop sign, sometimes even at a 2-way stop sign. Luckily, when I pull up to a stop sign with no other cars around, I usually know what to do, so I've got that going for me.

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1/12/06

We all know the media is a bunch of blood sucking vampires, but today on the way to work, listening to an AM radio talk show, I heard something that totally exemplifies how much the media sucks.

They broke for a news update, and traffic, and the news lady mentioned that there was a plane making an emergency landing in Sacramento. She said, "It is not known at this time what the emergency landing is for." Then the Talk show host piped in with some quasi-witty anecdote about emergency landings often times being for nothing important, to which the news lady responded with, "...and that's the problem, it could turn out to be nothing at all."

Wait, that's the problem?!

From her perspective as a newsperson (media-vampire-alarmist-ratings-whore), a bad outcome of this emergency landing would be if nothing terrible happened.

Get your filthy paws off of me, you damn dirty media!

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1/09/06
After years of research, and countless field tests, I have discovered the Holy Grail of low maintenance appearance for the lazy man.

A couple weeks ago, I got sick of my hair, which I do every few months, so I went to the garage, and shaved it off (real short, but not gone). So then, I went and took a shower to get the loose hair off of me, and I was in, out, dried off, and dressed in about 5 minutes, and I realized then, and there, that the marriage of a shaved head, and a beard might just be one of the best kept secrets ever.

Now granted, it may not be a great look aestetically speaking, but I don't have to do a damn thing to get ready. No shaving, no combing, no gel. I need a bar of soap, and toothpaste (yes, I often wash my hair with a bar of soap...people have told me that's bad, but they can never explain why).

Downside? Well, of course, there's a downside to everything. The bummer about this look is that I often get mistaken for a 1970's style GI Joe with Kung Fu grip...a small price to pay if you ask me. I just wish I had the scar.
Does my penis look weird in this picture?

If my calculations are correct (and I think we can all safely assume they're not), the only look that would be easier, would be if I were naturally bald. A man can dream can't he?

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1/04/06
2006, and I'm still waiting on my rocket shoes, flying car, and meal in a pill. Get your shit together scientists of the world!

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12/19/05
Well, it's almost Christmas, and I have a pulled groin muscle. I am positive the two are related.

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12/08/05
I love the holiday season, around October of each year I begin to forget how much I dislike people. Soon after Thanksgiving though, it all comes rushing back to me, and I'm good for another year.

***Breaking News***

Saddam's lawyers drop a bomb with their new defense strategy.

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12/06/06
Holy bowel water batman! I have been sick since last Wednesday night. The first night consisted of barfing, and diarrhea, the next day was all about stomach cramps, and more diarrhea. Since then my stomach has been really fragile, I don't eat very much, and of course there's the diarrhea. I've lost between 5 and 6 pounds.

I've been self-diagnosing on the internet, and I think I'm going through something called a Spontaneous Sex Change Affliction. I'm not sure how accurate my diagnoses is, but women pee out of their butts right? Well, I'm pretty sure they do anyway, and now so do I.
7 - 5

11/16/05
I did tae kwon do at lunch on Monday, skated the new Walnut Creek park on Tuesday, did tae kwon do Tuesday night, and plan on skating today at lunch, doing tae kwon do Thursday night, and skating Friday at lunch. It seems like every muscle in my body is sore. If my muscles were people, they would be having union meetings right now, and I'm pretty sure my body fat (strong union) would be seeking government protection.

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11/14/05
I like to think of myself as 'handy'. If something breaks, I can usually dig in, figure out how it's supposed to work, and then make it work. I also like to think of myself as mentally challenged, and accident prone.

I am a self proclaimed toilet expert. I replaced all the innards of one of our toilets last year without incident...hooray for me. Fast forward 1 year, and that same toilet now has broken lever (I bought a cheap one). 'No problem, I'll pick one up early Sunday' I tell myself on Saturday night. Then I remember that the toilet in our bathroom has been running a little too long, so I decide to "check it out". One unfortunate fumble of the ten pound tank cover later, and now we have two broken toilets. Hooray for me!

As the water was rushing out ALL OVER THE PLACE, Thing 2 who was standing in the doorway watching me "fix" the toilet was terrified, and screaming, and crying, "PEEEEEEEE!!!!! POOOOOOOO!!!!! I can't turn the valve....water keeps coming...Deniece brings towels...water keeps coming...Deniece brings buckets...can't turn the valve....can't see, or get hand in the tank because of the counter...water keeps running...bucket filling fast...bucket overflowing...run to the street to turn off the main..water stops...toilet ruined....bathroom soaked....family stunned...me idiot.

Toilet expert?

Mmmm, not so much.

Final Score:
Toilets = 2
Me = Complete Zero.

So, how was your Saturday night?

I won't miss this toilet. Look how ugly it is.

I think It will look awesome in the front yard with weeds growing out of it.

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11/11/05

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11/10/05
When I originally lost my site, I thought it might be a good chance to set up a new site with an all new look and feel, but for some reason, this site looks exactly like my old one...that's called laziness boys and girls.

I've gotten a few new boards I designed in the mail in the last few weeks, check them out.
Ashland Sam Schoonerwoard Model
Ashland Pool board
Co-op
Another Co-Op

There's more coming, and a couple I don't have pictures of yet, so stay tuned.

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11/09/05
We went on vacation, came home, and Tioem.com is gone. My domain registration expired, and I never got the normal email I usually get alerting me to renew. As soon as it expired, one of those crappy search engine place holder sites popped up, apparently they had the domain name Tioem on backorder...because that's such a good name

. So, here we are, at TomLedin.com, oh well.

We met my parents at Disneyland, last week and it was really fun. I love that place. The boys had a great time.

Being in The Magic Kingdom, and seeing my fellow Americans, I came up with a great stock tip for you. Find the company, or companies that make those little 'Too Fat To Walk On Your Own Go-Carts", and invest heavily. We're only getting fatter, and it's only a matter of time before none of us can walk under our own power. You can't miss with this investment, believe me, I've been to Tomorrow Land, and I've seen the future...and it's filled with Gigantic fat people who are to tired from digesting to be expected to walk on their own.

On that same subject, we had a nice new Southwest plane for our flight home, and I noticed something I've never seen before. The drop down trays now have a nice curved indentation to make room for our big fat bellies, where they used to be straight across. Way to go Southwest, that's the kind of forward thinking I'm talking about!