|
Archive #11
11/09/05 - 4/21/06
4/21/06
Sometimes new and improved
technology gives you cancer...true
story.
I
went to the dentist on Wednesday,
and had to get X-rays. the lady
said, "We're going to take 4
X-rays...two on each side." Now,
I'm not at all comfortable with
X-Rays, because I have had an
ASSLOAD in my life, and that shit is
cumulative. Yet somehow through a
genius marketing, and PR campaign,
they have me convinced that losing a
few teeth is worse than a horrible
death from cancer.
Nowadays,
X-Rays are digital, so that means,
they stuff the razor sharp film in
your mouth, take the X-Ray, and can
see it immediately, without
developing it. Anyone who
takes pictures with a digital camera
knows that without having to worry
about film, and developing costs,
you can shoot as many pictures as
you like...whose gonna
mind?!...maybe the guy you're
shooting cancer at with your ray
gun, that's who!
Here's how it went:
1st X-Ray: Ok, bite
down...good.....BEEEP...ok, good
one.
2nd X-Ray: Ok, bite down...BEEEP...let's
try that one again.
3rd X-Ray: Ok, bite...BEEEP...huh,
let me move it up here to get your
top teeth better.
4th
X-Ray: Bite...BEEEP. Good
one. Let's do the other side.
5th
X-Ray: Ok, bite...BEEEP. Oh,
that's a nice one.
6th
X-Ray: Bite down...BEEEP...That one
is a little blurry, let's try again.
7th
X-Ray: Bite down...BEEEP...good
one. I want to try to get a better
one on the 1st side.
8th X-Ray: Bite...BEEEP...there's the one I was looking for, that was easy enough.
HOLY SHIT ANSEL ADAMS!!!!! POINT
THAT CANCER GUN AT YOURSELF YOU
FUMBLING BUFFOON!!!!!!!
I
was pissed. 8 X-rays of my teeth
C'MON! If she wanted to kill me, I
would prefer she strangled me with
floss, or, stab my throat with the
plaque scrapper, or even drown me by
not sucking the accumulating slobber
that collects in my throat...which
she tried to do also.
There I was drowning, and she wheels herself away, I was thinking she's gonna grab the sucky thing to save my life, but she's f'ing around behind me doing some dental assistant crap, then when she comes back she finally decides to suck the crap out, but by that time, I've swallowed a stomach full for plaque filled saliva...nice life guarding Pamela Anderson.
My
dislike of the dentist increases
every 6 months. Someday, I'm
gonna go crazy, grab the Cancer
Cannon, and shoot everybody in the
place.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I
went out to my car this morning to
find my door slightly ajar, and
inside things were all wrong. Glove
box open, visors down, stuff I had
hidden away strewn about. My car
had been burglarized. Luckily I had
all my valuables inside the house
with me hidden under my pillow, and
the only thing missing was my
ashtray full of change, about 3
dollars worth.
So,
that ass raped feeling that you get
when you realize you've been robbed,
and your personal property has been
finger banged by some dirt bag
wasn't quite so bad. I think I got
off lucky (considering I left my car
unlocked). No broken window,
nothing of value missing...except my
ashtray. It actually didn't feel
lke an ass rape at all...it was more
like I sat on some of my kid's legos
or something.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 4/15/06 Flat tax please. Life would be so much better. I know, I know, poor accountants, poor Turbo Tax, poor IRS employees (14 billion at last headcount), but as Billie Jean said, "Fair is fair!", and as I often say, "Taxes can suck on my hairy, wrinkly, leathery man purse." ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
4/06/06
I had Jury duty for the 1st time in my life this week. The case was, The People Vs. Beavers. During jury selection, I was eventually dismissed by the prosecutor after I sat in the Juror #5 seat for quite some time. I think he could tell I was a flaming heterosexual, and I would NEVER sit in judgment against Beavers. Let me just say, I pray that I never have to be judged by a jury of my peers, for my peers are morons.
Judge: "Do you think you can listen
to the evidence, and make a judgment
based on the rule of law?"
Retarded Juror #1: "I don't think
so your Judge, I don't like cops."
Judge: "I see you marked that you
know someone in law enforcement on
your questionnaire, tell me about
that."
Retarded Juror #2: "Yes, I worked
for a private investigator.
Judge: "Well, that's not law
enforcement.
Retarded Juror #2: "Well, he acted
like a cop."
Judge: "I see you marked that you or
a family member has been the victim
of a crime, tell me about that."
Retarded Juror #3: "Yeah, I was
mugged at knife point. (this lady
seemed like she was lying).
Judge: "Were you injured?"
Retarded Juror #3: "Yes, I got cut
on my arm, and kicked."
Judge: "Did the police catch the
guy?"
Retarded Juror #3: "Uh....no, they
never caught the guy.
Judge: "A police report was filed though wasn't it?"
Retarded Juror #3: (sounding very
nervous now) "Uh, no, I don't think
there was a police report.
Judge: "Were the police called?"
Retarded Juror #3: "umm...no, I
don't think so."
Judge: "you got mugged with a knife,
and cut, and kicked, but you didn't
call the police."
Retarded Juror #3: "I'm pretty sure
I did, but I don't think they filed
any paper work, or reported it."
I do kind of wish I got to sit through the entire trial for one reason. When the judge was reading the witness list, she came across a name that made just about every guy look up with a smirk. Yes, folks, Candy Beavers was going to testify. I'm really hoping she's the Granddaughter of the 75 year old shriveled up defendant, Ronald Beavers, and not his wife, but that would have been pretty cool too. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I added a new image to the gallery:
Apparently 7 is the age when guys start
doing stupid stuff to get a laugh.
After birthday cake (brownies...another
of Thing 1's executive decisions), he
went outside, in the 14 degree snowy
weather, and did a bunch of laps around
the cabin....in his underwear.
The
Enquirer has broken the biggest
story of the year...Clay Aiken is
gay! They have released an internet
chat transcript including webcam
images that prove the unimaginable.
The hard hitting Enquirer has also
recently proven that trees are in
fact very tall plants, dogs are
not ugly, hairy, human
children, tall people actually have
the same weather as short people,
and they released spy satellite
photos that once and for all prove
that ice is actually very cold
water. My world has been turned
upside down.
I
hate the fascination people have for
celebrity. So what if some
marginally talented singer of crap
music is gay. Why do people care!?
And WTF is wrong with people who
want to stay in the closet, but do
stupid shit like broadcasting
themselves on a webcam in a chat
with some total stranger...a total
stranger who if he's anything like
every other person in the world is
after two things. 1)Money
2)Penis/Vagina. So, seeing as this
was an internet chat, and
not actual sex, there was no actual
penis to be had for this total
stranger, so the next logical step
would be for him to sell his story
for money...and probably penis.
If
Clay didn't want to be outed, he
wouldn't have been. How hard can it
be to go full on Homo-NinjaŽ?
Forget the internet, why not don
some kind of sexy gay
disguise, jump on the bus, and head
down to the local gay
section of town, and proceed to have
crazy gay sex with 483,000 total
strangers in the course of about 19
minutes? I heard that's how it works for
the gays!! That's actually kind of
how I hoped it would work for
straight people too when I was 15
years old...no dice, lucky gays.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 2/21/06 I just got over a cold, and my nose is kind of dry from all the blowing, and wiping. Now, I don't know about you, but I REALLY don't appreciate the occasional little piece of dry skin that decides to make it's valiant attempt at freedom from the repressive moist skin community...near my nostrils. These clever, albeit misguided little flakes of dry skin employ a method of escape that makes me nuts. They try to disguise themselves as boogers, just hangin' out by the nose...don't mind us. I usually catch them as I look in the mirror, more often than not after I just talked to someone who I wouldn't want seeing me with a faux booger on my nose.
When I catch them trying to escape,
I say, "So, you want to be a booger
do you?" then I laugh maniacally as
I stuff them up my nose.
Another player in The War on Tom('s
coolness), is the unidentifiable
brown stuff that I inevitably get on
the seat of my pants whenever I sit
down outside. I'm not clear on what
the objective of these brownish
substances is, but the skill in
their method of disguise is
undeniable. "Sergeant Squishy, I
want you and your men stationed on
that park bench! I don't care how
long it takes, I want it to look
like Tom crapped his pants, are we
clear?"
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
2/06/06
A whole bunch of of Muslims are pissed about some newspaper cartoons that show Mohammad. Apparently that's a no-no. You're not supposed to depict the prophet, and you're not supposed to show him in the Sunday comics trying unsuccessfully to figure out what to get his wife for Valentines day, and ending up buying her a set of tools. To westerners, that is comedy gold. Muslims don't get it.
I
don't understand something though.
I think we can safely assume that
the vast majority of Muslims are
good people (non extremist), who
only want their religion understood,
and accepted. So, when the lunatic
fringe of their religion goes nutty,
and starts decapitating people in
the name of said religion, where are
these protestors? They should be up
in arms yelling, "That is not my
Islam!", and "Death to the
terrorists!", as they are doing far
more harm to the Religion of Peace
than any stupid cartoon.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
1) Drink anytime an exposed body part
must be blurred out.
2) Drink anytime a contestant says
something stupid.
I might have to fine tune the rules a
bit, as we both fell into alcohol
induced comas 15 minutes after the show
started.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
2/01/06
Deniece
rolled her ankle sparring, and Thing 1's
sparring ended in tears (mostly from
frustration) which it usually does, but
other than that, it was a good night.
We have to
do 1000 push ups, 1000 sit-ups, 1000 jumping
jacks, 1000 mountain climbers, 2 mile timed
run (not sure of the time), 15 mile hike
with a 50 pound pack, and a bunch of other
stuff for our black belt tests. Good thing
that's a few years away, but it's probably
time to try and start getting into some
serious good shape to get ready. :-\
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1/31/06
Tonight Thing 1, Deniece, and I belt test. I
am testing for my orange, and Deniece and Thing
1 are testing for green.
For every belt testing we have to break
boards. For my break tonight, I have to do
an elbow strike. Deniece, and Thing 1 have
do an axe kick for their breaks. I'm a
little nervous for them. Neither of them
hit very hard. We bought boards like we do
before every test to practice. Thing 1 broke
his 1st board on his second try, and we all
thought, 'no problem'. Deniece was not able
to get through her boards. We tried quite a
few times, and had to stop each time because
her heel was getting destroyed (that's what
you hit with on an axe kick). A week after
Thing 1 did his 1st board, we had him try to
do his second to boost his confidence even
further...no dice. He couldn't get through
it. Confidence gone.
So, tonight is going to be really stressful.
Even if you do your form and 3-step sparring
perfectly, get your questions correct, and
kick ass in sparring, you will not pass if
you don't break your board. I know they can
both break their boards, but I am super
nervous for them. It's not the end of the
world if they don't pass, they'll be able to
try again next month, but it'll still suck.
You'll probably hear from me tomorrow with
news that Thing 1 and Deniece both broke
their boards with no problem...and I
shattered my elbow, while leaving the board
intact.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1/24/06
My short
term memory much like my attention span
completely sucks. How bad does it suck
Tom?, you ask (just play along damnit!).
Ok, now I've set it up to sound like a joke,
but it's not, so stop playing along.
Kobe scored 81 points. Yeah, that's a
pretty amazing feat. The most amazing part
however took place not during the game,
but in the post game interview when he
neglected to thank his teammates. Look at
the stats from the game, and you'll see that
magic number, 81 Points. The you'll see a
smaller number next to that one which is
incredibly telling, and sums up the kind of
player that can rack up 81 points, and not
thank his teammates...2 assists.
Yay Kobe.
So back
to my short term memory, and attention
span.. I find it difficult to remember who
got there 1st when at a 4-way stop sign,
sometimes even at a 2-way stop sign.
Luckily, when I pull up to a stop sign with
no other cars around, I usually know what to
do, so I've got that going for me.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1/12/06
We all know
the media is a bunch of blood sucking
vampires, but today on the way to work,
listening to an AM radio talk show, I heard
something that totally exemplifies how much
the media sucks.
They broke
for a news update, and traffic, and the news
lady mentioned that there was a plane making
an emergency landing in Sacramento. She
said, "It is not known at this time what the
emergency landing is for." Then the Talk
show host piped in with some quasi-witty
anecdote about emergency landings often
times being for nothing important, to which
the news lady responded with, "...and that's
the problem, it could turn out to be nothing
at all."
Wait, that's the problem?! From her perspective as a newsperson (media-vampire-alarmist-ratings-whore), a bad outcome of this emergency landing would be if nothing terrible happened.
Get your filthy paws off of me, you damn
dirty media!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This is the 2nd
year in my entire life that I haven't wanted
anything for Christmas (the 1st being my 1st
year of life). Can't think of a thing. Nada.
There is a
camera I'd like to have, but I don't want it for
Christmas, it's too expensive. I though about
asking the wife for a PlayStation Portable (PSP),
but that's just because I was looking for things
to want. I don't really even want it.
I need some
pants, but I'm really the only person who can
buy clothes for me, so I don't want those for
Christmas.
I guess I
could ask for 'peace on Earth'....BORING.
What really
sucks is that my birthday is exactly 2 weeks
after Christmas, and whatever gadgets, or toys
or general stupid stuff I, as a grown man ask
for for Christmas and don't get is usually asked
for, and received two weeks later on my b-day.
I guess I am
finally growing up...weird.
All I really
want is to buy my kids a BILLION presents.
If you don't
hear back from me before Christmas, or whatever
pagan non-holiday you celebrate (I kid, I kid),
enjoy yourself, and don't drive anywhere, you
just make it worse, you dumbass.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I've
been self-diagnosing on the internet, and I think
I'm going through something called a Spontaneous Sex
Change Affliction. I'm not sure how accurate
my diagnoses is, but women pee out of their butts
right? Well, I'm pretty sure they do anyway,
and now so do I. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
11/28/05
I have a sister...her name is Becky. She gave me guilt about not mentioning her in my blog. She is married to Michael, and they have 3 beautiful children named Joshua, Tommy, and Lily, I love them all very much.
I also have a
brother, his name is Greg, and he is married to
Laurie. They have 2 beautiful sons, Gregory,
and Tyler, I love them all very much as well.
Becky and her family live in Connecticut, so we get to see them less than once a year. Lame. Greg and his family live in Massachusetts, and we get to see them less than yearly as well. Lame.
I
wish I lived near my family, and my wife Deniece
can tell you that, I think about them, and bum
out ALL the time that we do not live near them.
It causes me a lot of anguish missing out on my
siblings lives, and their family's lives.
My sister and brother live like 2 hours from each other, but they don't see each other that often, I'm not sure how well they get along. I am jealous of them having a sibling within driving distance...they should make better use of it. My parents live in Rancho Mirage for half the year, and New Hampshire (near my brother and sister) the other half. My children, wife, and I are nowhere near any of my family...for the entire year.
I
know that family can sometimes be a pain, and
sometimes do things that make you crazy (like
sending emails soaked in cyber guilt), but you
gotta love them. And if you live near them,
make every effort to enjoy their company...I
wish I could.
Deniece and Thing 1 belt test tonight for orange. Good luck guys!  6
- 5++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am a
self proclaimed toilet expert. I replaced all
the innards of one of our toilets last year without
incident...hooray for me. Fast forward 1 year,
and that same toilet now has broken lever (I bought
a cheap one). 'No problem, I'll pick one up
early Sunday' I tell myself on Saturday night.
Then I remember that the toilet in our bathroom has
been running a little too long, so I decide to
"check it out". One unfortunate fumble of the
ten pound tank cover later, and now we have two
broken toilets. Hooray for me!
Toilet
expert?
I
like to pretend I'm an artist, however, I think
my kids posses talents far superior to mine.
Back in June, the family sat down at the kitchen
table with some Sculpy clay, and got creative.
My eldest son Thing 1 was busy working, and kind
of hiding his project from view. When he
finished working, he unveiled what I think is a
true masterpiece.
I have hesitated posting it here, because I was not quite sure the world was ready, and we as a family are not sure we're ready for the fame, and fortune that is inevitable for a child with Thing 1's talent...child? Nay, I think 'Prodigy' is more fitting.
A word of
warning. Thing 1 is a realist. His art is
striking, and visceral. The piece you are about
to see he titled, "Attacking Python", he
described it as, "A giant python getting ready
to attack." When he 1st showed it to us our
mouths hung agape in wonder, with questions of,
'how' and 'why' filling our heads. How could a
child of only six posses the skills needed to
create such an accurate depiction of a python
attacking, and why didn't we get him clay
sooner!?
So, without
further ado, on behalf of Thing 1, allow me to
present:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ We met my parents at Disneyland, last week and it was really fun. I love that place. The boys had a great time.
Being
in The Magic Kingdom, and seeing my fellow
Americans, I came up with a great stock tip for you.
Find the company, or companies that make those
little 'Too Fat To Walk On Your Own Go-Carts", and
invest heavily. We're only getting fatter, and
it's only a matter of time before none of us can
walk under our own power. You can't miss with
this investment, believe me, I've been to Tomorrow
Land, and I've seen the future...and it's filled
with Gigantic fat people who are to tired from
digesting to be expected to walk on their own.
|
Does my penis look weird in this picture?
.
So, here we are, at TomLedin.com, oh well.