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Archive #10
03/23/05 - 10/31/05 ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
10/31/05
Happy Halloween! Thing 1 = "Shadow Ninja" Thing 2 = "Police Officer Man"
Vikings are 2 and 5, and Culpepper is out for the
season. What is it I like about this sport
again? Oh yeah, nothing!
Belt testing went well. Belt graduation is on
Saturday the 5th, and we'll be at Disneyland, so
I won't get my new belt until Nov. 7th, or 8th.
The hardest part about belt testing is sitting,
and waiting while everybody else tests. Being a
lowly whitebelt, I had to test on my curriculum
early, then go get my sparring gear on, and sit
for over an hour sweating my balls off while the
higher belts tested. Once everybody was done,
we sparred. That went pretty good too. I
connected on an Ilbojeonjin nadabam (step
forward switching/turning jump round house), a
double roundhouse combo, and a nice back kick.
I had NO energy though, as I was still really
sore from Monday's class. Anyway, I'm pretty
sure I passed.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I belt test tonight for my yellow belt.
Vikings blow this year.
If you're ever
feeling down, there's nothing like an
unintentional compliment from a 3 year old to
lift your spirits.
The other day,
I was getting out of the shower, and Thing 2 was
playing in the bathroom, waiting for me. I got
out, and was drying my hair, and when I removed
the towel from over my head, I noticed he was standing up at eye
level with my junk, and obviously taking some
mental notes. I wrapped the towel around me,
which broke his concentration, and he said,
"Daddy, why are your tessacoles so big?"
Here's where I
should interject that my tessacoles are in fact
of normal size, and proportion, however, to a 3
year old sporting a peanut shell, I am quite the
mutant.
Now, how to
answer his question... I had to bite my tongue
to keep myself from blurting out, "So I can make
an army of cute babies like you.", or the more
obvious, "Because I am the manliest man in all
of Mandom!".
In the end, I
had to settle for the mundane answer about
how when people grow, their parts get bigger,
and blah, blah, blah, but what I was really
thinking was, "Well, yeah, my tessacoles are
big, but did you notice the size of that
penis!?!?!" Apparently he did not.
 1-3
Stupid football
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I am
joining Deniece, Thing 1, and Thing 2's dojang tonight
to continue my Tae Kwon Do training that I stopped
at age 14...after 21 years, I feel pretty well
rested.
Thing 1's 1st day of 1st grade
in public school. He loved it, and was psyched
to go back...awesome.
I got gas
today. It wasn't that bad. The nurses were
pretty cute, and the pain killers are working
well. My stitches itch a bit, but I'll get over
that, at least I can drive around a little...I
didn't need that kidney anyway.
So apparently Jesse Jackson feels the word "refugee" is not an appropriate way to describe the people fleeing hurricane Katrina's destruction in search of...REFUGE. What in the hell is wrong with people? ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
9/01/05
Email
Issue:
My wife asked me
why I was doing it, and I told her, "for fun", but
secretly, I'm hoping it will be like some kind of
scientific experiment gone wrong in which I will
develop some sort of super power. Crap, in writing
that I realized I'm setting myself of for some
crappy power like Zan the Wonder Twin who could turn
into water.
Zan's
twin sister Jayna had a cool power. She could
turn into any animal. All Zan could do was
turn into water, or ice. What kind of crap is
that?! It usually went something like this:
Together: "Wonder Twin
powers...ACTIVATE!"
Jayna: "Form of a Saber-toothed Tiger!" Zan: "Form of a ...uh, well, uh, I did puddle last time... and, I don't have a bucket with me, so how about...shit I don't know ...what about an icicle for fuck's sake?!"
Worst power EVER!
It's been about 45 minutes, and I don't feel much in the way of super powers, but I pee'd for almost 2 minutes straight! I'm not entirely pleased with that as a super power, but it's better than being able to turn into water! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 08/23/05 Skated San Rafael again. I'm not getting any better there, but I'm still having fun. Here's a few pics from the session: So apparently Russia, and China are participating in some military training activities together. That is pretty scary, and could cause me to lose some sleep but if tomorrow we hear that North Korea has joined them, I will crap my pants on the spot. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 08/19/05
You
know how some people seem to really enjoy the
company of others. I'm talking about people who
don't feel the least bit weird walking into a party
where they don't know anyone, in fact they thrive on
it; the kind of person who will make it a point to
try and meet as many new people as they can, and
truly relish the opportunity to meet, and possibly
learn from them. You know these people. In talking
to them, they always seem terribly interested in
what you're saying even if you yourself know it's a
boring topic. They look you directly in the eye,
and nod, and respond to things you've said without
trying to turn the conversation back onto themselves
like most people. They are always so friendly, and
usually have truly interesting lives, yet they are
content to meet as many nobodies as possible, and
hear about their nobody lives, and they usually make
everyone feel really good about themselves.
They are always kind, and charismatic, and are
always saying something positive and uplifting.
I fucking hate those people. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 08/16/05
I skated San Rafael
with Dickson and Joey on Saturday morning. We had
the bowl to ourselves, it wasn't to hot, and nobody
got hurt...to my knowledge, I left first...hey, are
you guys ok? It was a fun session. I'm still
scared of that bowl, but I'm enjoying it more and
more.
Thing 1's name came
up on the list to get into one of the two Magnet
schools (Monte Gardens) in our area. Monte Gardens
wasn't our 1st choice, only because it will make our
commute more difficult, but it is just as good a
school as our first choice (Sequoia). I'm really
psyched. One of the highest rated schools in the
area, and NO TUITION!!!!!! Oh Yeah!!!
If you don't know
what a magnet school is, let me explain it. It's a
public school that draws kids from the school
district if they are on the waiting list. If you
live right next door, and don't get on the list when
you're 3, you're out of luck. We got Thing 1 on the
list when he was almost 4, so he didn't get in for
Kindergarten. His name didn't even come up on the
list for Sequoia (the one by our work), so he won't
get in there until 2nd grade. We'll probably just
end up staying at Monte Gardens though, as it's
pretty close to our house.
Thing 2 will go to
Palmer for Junior Kindergarten (palmer is the
private school Thing 1 has been going to), so we get
one year without tuition, then have to pay a
boatload for JK. Then, Thing 2 will go to whatever
school Thing 1 is going to for kindergarten, and we
can begin saving for college. Hooray!!!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
08/11/05
I
bought a high tech fly swatter at Bevmo last week.
It looks like a tennis racket, but has metal wires
instead of string, and it electrocutes bugs on
contact. Awesome. However, I can't kill shit with
this thing. I even camped out over a pile of my
dog's poo that was crawling with flies, and I
couldn't get one. I am convinced that had I lived
10,000 years ago, I would have been placed into a
'gatherer' position by HR, and when they realized I
sucked at that too, they just would have kicked me
out of the tribe. If I can't kill a fly with an
electrified high tech flyswatter, how am I going to
fare against a 6 ton wooly mammoth armed only with a
pointy stick...not very well I'm sure.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 07/27/05
The hair projects
have come to an end. Thing 2 got tired of all the
attention he was getting about his mohawk after
about 6 days, and had me buzz it off. I gave myself
a haircut right after him, so we have the same do.
Thing 1 got most of his hair cut off, but he wanted,
"some style", and didn't want the jarhead look
Thing 2
and I have, so he's sporting a cool spiky hairstyle.
Thing 1 and Deniece
had tip testing in Tae Kwon Do yesterday, and both
did very well. Now they are white belts with two
black tips. Next month they have their first belt
test, for yellow belt. It drives me crazy watching,
and not participating, as I practiced Tae Kwon Do
for quite a long time as a kid (until we moved to
CA), and then again in college, and have always
wanted to get back into it, and finally earn a black
belt. Maybe some day, but for now, it's fun
watching Deniece, and Thing 1 advance. Thing 2 is
still a "Tiny Tiger", so he only has class on
Fridays, and does not get to tip test, or belt test
yet. Thing 1 was a "Little dragon for almost a year,
and earned six colored tips on his white belt, then
he got a "Little Dragon yellow belt", before he
joined juniors and got a new official white belt.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
07/18/05
Deniece
and I realized we might be in trouble with these two.
The 6 year old recently proclaimed, "I'm not cutting my
hair until high school.", and now my 3 year old has a
mohawk. I don't think I even knew I had
hair until I was about 10.
07/13/05
The family and I went to Lake Shasta to practice for the inevitability of our eventual homelessness. It was fun, but camping with little guys is a whole lot of work. We, saw The Fantastic 4, and I'd give it a solid:    
About
5 years ago, I decided I would try tightie whiteys
again (hadn't) worn them since childhood. I had a 3
pack in my hand, but Deniece found a 10 pack for the
same price. In my head I knew I didn't need 10, but
what the hell, it was a good deal. Anyway...I hated
them, and never wore them after the 1st try. I
decided to finally throw them away, and make some
room in my underwear drawer. So, what do we do with
old but unworn tightie whiteys in our house?
We make Space Suits. This was good for an hour of fun. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
06/24/05
You
know what makes me crazy? Celebrity endorsements.
No, not all endorsements. I don't mind if Shaq is
endorsing a pair of $80 shoes, or if PeeWee Herman
endorses a pocket size lotion dispenser. What I do
mind is when semi-retarded actors are trying to sell
me religion, specifically, an expensive religion,
more specifically, an expensive religion that is not
really a religion, more specifically even still, an
expensive religion that is not really a religion,
and believes aliens live in our bodies. Yes, I am
talking about the cult that is $cientology.
Scientology is a complete joke. I don't know how
they finagled their way into a tax exempt status,
but it sucks. I'm sure you all know the story. L.
Ron Hubbard, a marginally successful sci-fi writer
decided the best way to get rich was to start a
religion...he was right.
In scientology you have to go through auditing sessions which are like a series of confessions. If you want to go undercover, and do some auditing, BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY. Tom Cruse got audited years ago, and admitted that he was gay...(I'm guessing), and that's how they get you. Now he's a celebrity shill for a pretend religion because they've got a file on him. I wonder what they have on that fool Travolta.
If you
got here by searching on Scientology thinking it
might be a cool thing to try, check this out:
75 Million years ago, an alien ruler named Xenu ruled all the planets in this part of the galaxy, including Earth (it was called Teegeack back then). To combat overpopulation, Xenu with the help of psychiatrists called all the people in for tax audits, but when they got there, they were given injections of glycol, and alcohol to paralyze them. All the paralyzed people were put into space planes, and flown to earth, where they were stacked around the base of volcanoes. Then Xenu placed H-bombs in the volcanoes, and detonated them killing everybody. Then he captured all the souls in electric beams, and made them watch movies in a cinema where they were told they were God, the Devil, and Jesus. The Souls (called Thetans) then grouped together, and apparently they live in all humans to this day and The 'technology' of scientology is the only way to get rid of them.
It's
not even good science fiction!!!! Apparently the
information above you only get when you reach a high
enough level in the church, but by then, they know
all your secrets, so you're screwed.
The
Church of $cientology loves suing people, so I'm
going to say this. Scientology Rules!
(if
you're a fucking retard)
Scientology lawyers, please ignore that last part.
All opinions expressed here are my own.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 1) More trees less
Bush
Invisible came into our
lives when Thing 1 was about two and a half. He wasn't
around too much, but when he was, I often sat on him,
which usually sent Thing 1 into hysterics. It was fun to hear
about invisible's life on Saton, the Invisible planet. Of
course I couldn't hear invisible tell his stories, but
Thing 1 was gracious enough to pass them on to us. On Saton, they had cars that were giant bugs that they rode
on. Each bug was different. I asked if they were
invisible too. This annoyed Thing 1, but he cleared it
up for me. "Everything on Saton is invisible, but only
to us. Invisible, and his people can see everything
there."
Needless to say I was
shocked to hear of Invisible's untimely demise.
Thing 1
and I were driving home last week, and he blurted out,
"Invisible is dead!"
"What!" I asked, "Wha..why,
what happened to him?" I couldn't believe what I was
hearing.
"Well," Thing
1 started
very matter-of-factly "Invisible was killed."
"Killed?! By who?" I
asked.
"He was eaten."
"Eaten!?" I was barely
able to contain my grief.
"Yes, he was eaten by
my new imaginary friend, Uncle Raptor."
Thing 1 didn't seem the
least bit traumatized by Invisible's horrible death,
perhaps comforted by his new friend Uncle Raptor. I
have yet to learn anything about this Uncle Raptor, and
honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept
him....the bastard ate Invisible!
Rest In Peace
Invisible. You will be missed.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 06/15/96 9 Years ago today I married my wonderful wife Deniece. They say the first 18 years is the hardest, so we're halfway there!!!!
Thing 1 was doing the math
today to see how long we had been married when he was born
(3), then how long we were married before Thing 2 was born
(6), then Daisy the Greyhound(1), then Belle the
Whippet.....well, it turns out that Belle is illegitimate.
We were living in sin when Belle came into our lives. So,
for those of you who may be keeping track, Belle is an
illegitimate, epileptic, drug addicted whippet...who
likes to occasionally snack on cat poo.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 06/13/05
So John Kerry's GPA from
Yale was finally released, and just as anyone with an ounce
of sense figured, he is a pseudo-intellectual phony. His
contrived blue-blooded persona went miles in convincing the
democrats that he was a far superior candidate because he is
so smart, and Bush is so stupid.
Kerry graduated with a
cumulative 76 (C) average, and Bush graduated with a
cumulative 77(C). Kerry got 4 D's his freshman year, and
went on to improve over the next 3 years. His highest grade
was an 89 (B+). Bush got one D in Astronomy, and his
highest grade was an 88(B+).
So basically,
they were both fairly shitty students. What I find amusing
is that Kerry and his supporters have always played up his
intellect, and conversely played up Bush's wild partying
college days. So my question is, who is smarter? The
intellectual who (they wanted us to believe) spent his time
studying, or the booze hound who spent most of his time
drunk...and still did better in school. One could argue
that Bush just coasted through school, and got average
grades, and Kerry worked his ass off for those very same
grades.
Personally I find them both to
be semi-retarded, but those tend to be the choices we get.
C'mon, let's admit it...Our political systems is messed up. Our presidential candidates should be frighteningly smarter than the average schmoe. I'm talking about fluency in multiple languages, a near all encompassing knowledge of history, and an almost omniscient understanding of economic theory. Those things are NOT TOO MUCH TO ASK! Our candidates should be put through the most rigorous intellectual scrutiny ever. Pop quizzes at every campaign stop!!! I find our acceptance of mediocrity in the most powerful elected position on Earth terrifying. I'm pretty sure even I could pull a C average at Yale, and I are not much smart.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
We
went to Thing 1's graduation, and got the best seats in the
house. Deniece's mom got there early and was the 1st in
line. I can't believe I'm the father of a 1st grader.
Thing 1 was a stud. He didn't fall, or pick his nose on
stage, I was so proud.
The place where the graduation was is
the same place that my dad and I went to see
Jane Goodall speak about 8 years ago. My dad had donated money to
the Lindsey Museum through his company, and the museum was
sponsoring the speaking engagement, so we were honored
guests. That means, without warning were were hustled
backstage after the speech, and put in a little room with
Jane for a private audience. We were completely unprepared,
and totally uncomfortable. We mustered a few questions that
made us sound even more oblivious than ever. I don't recall
all the details, but I'm betting it went something like
this:
Jane: It's a pleasure to meet you. Me: Hi Dad: It's nice to meet you too. Me: Monkeys are funny, do they really throw poo? Dad: [laughing] Jane: Well, most of my studies were on Chimpanzees. Dad: I like chips, I mean chimps. Me: Did you ever dress them up like a race car driver, or a butler? Jane: No, not really. Dad: A monkey butler is not a bad idea. Me: Do chimps wear diapers naturally in the wild? Jane: No.....can I sign your books?
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
My
eldest son is graduating from kindergarten on Friday. The
school he goes to makes a really big deal out of graduation
for both kindergarteners, and 8th graders. It takes place
at the Walnut Creek Civic Arts Center (a big nice place that
seats a billion). We were told by a few different people to
get there 2 hours early to make sure to get a seat near the
front. AT first I was bit skeptical about the whole
deal, thinking, 'C'mon, it's kindergarten, why all the
fuss?'. Then after thinking about it, I realized that
he learned to read, write, add, and subtract this year, and
he does them all perfectly. WHAT A YEAR!!!! He
may never learn that much in a school year again. So,
I think I'm going to buy him a Porsche for a graduation
gift.
Things were different when
I was a kid. I have no memory of actually graduating
kindergarten, but there is a photograph of me and a friend
standing in front of his house wearing only OP shorts, our
poorly made construction paper graduation hats, and holding
our rolled up diplomas. We both look pretty haggard, and he
apparently had recently pee'd his pants, as they are soaked
right in the pee pee zone in the picture...that kid knew how
to party, but he couldn't really handle his liquor.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
06/03/05
I am convinced that young
developing brains are similar to adult brains when they are
on drugs, and or alcohol.
This morning while Thing 2
(2) was taking a poop (he asks if I will sit on the floor
and talk with him while he poops), he said, "Daddy, you're
eyes are green (he knows they are blue)....let me smell
them." So, I leaned forward to let him smell my right eye,
and then he followed up with, "Your eyes are greenish, but
they smell like purple!"
I'm pretty sure that being
two is kind of like being on LSD.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
"Ok"....that's how
you spell it. Let's get this right people! It's a two
letter word and should NOT be spelled wrong.
It's not 'okay'. It
doesn't necessarily bug me when the average person
spells it wrong, however, what does bug me is the people who
consider themselves grammar/spelling experts who spell it
wrong. It also bugs the crap out of me when it is written
in books that way.
OK is an abbreviation of "Oll
Korrect", which was the bright idea of some doofus trying to
be funny by spelling 'All Correct' wrong, (purposeful
misspellings, and their accompanying abbreviations and
acronyms were apparently a fad in the late
1800's...whatever, they didn't have Tivo, so give them a
break).
So, c'mon people!!!! Stop
making extra work for yourself, and leave off the 'ay', it
doesn't belong there, and it kind of makes you look like an
idiot when you do it. It's as bad as if you were writing:
Ayesap - ASAP
Efwhyeye - FYI
Ayedee - A.D.
Beecee - B.C.
Naytoe - NATO
Ceeaye - CA
Skoobuh - Scuba
Tioem - T.O.M
In summary, no more
"okay". Every time you see it written that way, take
comfort in the fact you are like a mental Yao Ming (7' 6"),
and the writer is like a mental MiniMe (2' 7").
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
05/16/05 I went skating with Joey at Berkeley on Sunday. I was lazy, and wasn't feeling it until about 10 minutes before I had to leave...and I got a sunburn.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Wow, I'm lagging on the
updates. I've been really lazy lately.
I think I may have narcolepsy, but I'm gjkhfggggggggggggggg ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg ggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg ggggggggggggggggggggggggggg not sure how you tell if you have it. I guess I could go seehjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj jjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj
aw screw it.
04/22/05
I hate taxes. I did my
taxes the other night with Turbo Tax. I got a nice refund
from Federal, and owed a chunk to state (less than what I
was getting back from the Feds though). Well after paying a
penalty for owing money to California, and paying for the
privilege to submit my taxes online, and then paying a fee
to have the refund direct deposited, my refund dwindled
until I was out of pocket for $.045
Thank you very much
California. As if I don't suffer enough living here.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Why do courts give out
multiple life sentences? Is that supposed to send a
message, and perhaps be a deterrent for others thinking
about violent crime?
I don't get it. After you
die in prison the first time while serving multiple life
sentences, do they just leave your body in the cell, or have
they figured out someway to imprison your soul?
Maybe the
government/judicial system knows something we don't. Is it
possible that there are people walking around who can die,
and come back to life multiple times? Or maybe there
are 'extra lives' hidden around the world like in video
games?
Could it be that humans are actually ruled by an alien race of cat people who think we have nine lives too?
Gas cost me $2.80 for the
medium grade yesterday. $44.02 to fill my truck.
Screw you Cat People!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Now, I understand that
sometimes you can't get away from people, but when that happens,
I wish people would try to speak quietly...seriously, nobody
cares what you are talking about, except the person on the other
end, and from the looks of you, I would bet that they probably
don't care either.
This morning a guy standing in
the lobby of my building was talking LOUDLY on his phone, he
kept repeating the same crap to make himself sound important.
So then this nimrod gets on the elevator with me, and some other
guy, still on the phone, but now since we are all in an enclosed
space, do you think he felt compelled to hang up, oh no, this
guy decides it might be best to try and involve me and the other
guy in his conversation. So, he turns facing me (the wrong
direction in an elevator), and begins rolling his eyes, and kind
of nodding his head from side to side, implying that the person
on the other end of his call is talking nonsense, or that he
doesn't care what they're saying. I just looked away, because
the guy creeped me out. So, he simply turned to the to
the other guy, and began doing the same thing.
Of course my hindsight Quick-Wit-Ometer® kicked in after I got off at my floor, and I realized when he was rolling his eyes, and nodding his head, I should have said, "If you don't care about what they are saying, then WHY DON'T YOU HANG UP YOUR PHONE YOU FRIGGEN LUNATIC...and stop looking at me..and don't wear those shoes ever again!" Ok, ok, not that witty, I haven't charged the battery in my Quick-Wit-Ometer® but I still wish I would have said something. Being on the phone is one thing, being on the phone in an elevator with other people is another thing, but being on the phone in an elevator with other people while being clinically insane just plain sucks. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ 04/04/05 Took the family to Tahoe to play in the snow, good times. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
03/24/05 |
